My last blog entry a few weeks ago was less than inspiring, but this time I am coming off the back of two brilliant weeks in Australia. That in itself was an uplifting experience, but even as I sit here looking at the rain falling in Bovey Tracey and struggling to keep warm enough I still have a stupid inane grin on my face thinking about all the things that happened in those two weeks.
Before I left I met with a few school friends for a drink up in the Cromwell Arms in Bovey; Garry Styles, Chris Towell, Liam Berry and Fiona Squire. It was good to catch up and at one point Garry told me I could use his video camera and make a video diary, the only requirement being that I left some adult material on there for him when I gave it back... I'm afraid I've let him down on that score. But I do still have the Wagon Wheel that he gave me! And I decided that a video diary might be quite fun too.
Me with Concorde G-BBDG again!
The journey to Heathrow with Chris and his girlfriend Krysy was filled with talking rubbish (as we usually do) and Burger King. Krysy wanted to see big planes, which was the reason they were taking me in the first place. So we briefly dropped around to Brooklands so I could show them Concorde G-BBDG, which I had helped volunteer on a few times in 2006. Given it was so close to closing time, they allowed us in for half-price and I asked if a few of the Brooklands crew were around and we were told to go to Concorde and see if they were on or around her. We saw some people scaling the steps at the rear and decided to follow, only to be stopped at the top of the steps and told there was a tour taking place. After apologising and asking if the same crew members were around, I was asked how I knew them and explained my brief volunteering role, and all 3 of us were beckoned on board to join the tour! We weren't trying to blag anything, but somehow we had done just that in the space of ten minutes! A massive thank you to all of the Brooklands crew that over the years I have met, and that have allowed me access to Concorde.
Concorde G-BBDG with an A380 flying out from LHR overhead
On to Heathrow and of course our progress was hampered by the M25, but we got there eventually! Bags checked-in, no problems there. Up to the bar, no problems there! Then Chris and Krysy left and I went through security and took my flight. Not that a 23 hour journey can ever go quickly, but this one seemed to and before I knew it I could see Jess and that moment of sheer joy washed away all the troubles that had come a few weeks before. No anxiety, no stress, just a warm Australian welcome. By Aussie standards it wasn't that warm, but 18C upon arrival? Already better than the English summer! We got to Jess's house and her parents were running down the steps before I'd even got out of the car! With a welcome like that, you have to love Australia. It's a magical place to me.
Obviously, the first thing that happened was the barbeque was fired up. I'm pretty sure the first beer wasn't long after that either! Then the phone starts ringing and it's members of Jess's family calling to welcome me back to Australia. Fantastic... it really doesn't get better! The jet-lag was almost non-existant, I managed to time my sleeps on the plane fairly well and so that first day was a belter. When the sun came out on day 2 and it was 30 degrees, with Jess and Janice at work, Craig and I worked on things around the house. First things first, I cleaned the pool. Rule number 1 of the house: If you clean the pool, you must then swim in it. I wasn't informed of Rule number 3, which was You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. The pool isn't heated, and so it's quite refreshing on a hot day, but even in 30C heat, the swim didn't last long at all and I got out into the heat quickly! I did have a second dip later after bowing to peer pressure from Craig, but it wasn't until later on that I realised that I still don't know what Rule number 2 is.
Sat on Pole Position at Mount Panorama, Bathurst
Dinners with friends and family, meeting with the MUCC cricket guys, beers and sunshine... the first week was going quickly. Then on the Thursday, a trip up into the Mountains and an activity that made a LOT of my motorsport loving friends jealous! We went to the Mount Panorama circuit at Bathurst, where the weekend before the Australian V8's had competed in the Bathurst 1000! Before we went, I had very little knowledge of the sport, the circuit and had no idea of the layout. After being a passenger for a few laps, I got to take the wheel and my hunger was fuelled! It's very tempting to break the 60kmh speed limit but the Aussie's are very hot on speeding, so we had to make do. Craig and I have done the F1 at Albert Park in Melbourne before, next on the list is the Bathurst 1000. Simply amazing. Here's my video of the experience.
Whole Group at the Wedding
The real reason behind the visit was of course, Sarah and Garth's wedding. The whole experience was fantastic for me so I can't begin to think what it was like for them. I was nervous about meeting other members of Jess's family that I hadn't yet met, but they were all fantastic and every single person made me feel welcome, as well as the customary Pommy-bashing! As always with Australians, I gave as good as I got and so I think there was a mutual respect there, and there is a case of beer already riding on the outcome of next year's Ashes series with one of Jess's cousins! Of course, this means I'll be a case up come September!
Family Picture
The night before the wedding I was invited out for some beers with Garth, his brother Jason and his best man John. John is hilarious, and your typical Australian fun-loving bloke. We went into Windsor for a steak and a few beers (Fat Yak is awful... but I drunk it) and we all put in some money to waste (sorry, to bet) on the horses, dogs and anything else that was on the TV's in the betting section. Pretty much every pub over there has them, and as someone who very rarely makes a bet, I have to admit it was quite fun. I picked the only winner, John won a bet for coming second, but apart from that we didn't win a thing! Betting is nearly always a waste of money, but it was a great night, hilarious, we all had fun, great guys and you can't really put a price on that.
With the Happy Couple
The wedding itself was beautiful. Sarah looked beautiful in her dress, Jess looked stunning in her bridesmaid's dress and the love between Sarah and Garth was clear. And once again, the sun was out and the sky was cloudless, surely symbolic of how bright the future is for them. The 30 degree heat was affecting a few out there, and I'm not going to lie I was quite hot wearing that suit but it was definitely bearable. The biggest difficulty I had was not over-exposing the photographs I was taking, it was just that bright! Obviously the day was about Sarah and Garth but I couldn't help thinking that one day that would be Jess and I, with a lot of the same people in attendance.
With my beautiful bride-to-be
The reception was brilliant, the speeches from the fathers and the Groom were emotional, the Best Man's speech was hilarious and the stories about Garth's early adult life and how he met Sarah were just as funny. Even funnier were the pauses that John put in his speech as he leant back and giggled to himself, already aware of the next line! Everybody had fun at the reception, the music was great and there was even a little Michael Jackson medley put in on my behalf by Sarah! Thank you! I told Jess's cousin Nick that I didn't dance much but I couldn't help but moonwalk across the floor when MJ was on! Nick told me that it was Bad. No pun intended.
Before we knew it, the weekend was over. Janice's friends, Donna and Al, stayed with us for a night at Jess's house. Al is originally from New Zealand and has a very quick wit, he is brilliant. He gives people nicknames that seemingly make no sense until you dig a bit deeper. He calls Craig "Wilbur" after Wilbur Wilde, the saxophonist (Craig used to play the sax). He calls Jess and Sarah "Little Wilburs". The first time he met me in 2011, he said the first English person that came to mind when Jess said she was with a "Pommy" was Margaret Thatcher. Therefore, I am now forever known to him as Margaret. I was told it was a one-way street, and that he doesn't accept nicknames, but with his big handle-bar moustache, I couldn't help but call him Merv, and he accepts that! Donna and Al are a massive part of Janice and Craig's life, and they are effectively family. They accepted me too, and have always made me feel welcome, I can't wait to visit them in Queensland and hopefully will see the snakes that Merv has told me so much about.
VH-OJJ arriving in Sydney
with the rainbow backdrop
So one week was done, just one to go. I still found time to have a morning to take photographs at Sydney Airport with a good friend, Lee Gatland. I had previously met Lee at SYD and we got on well then, this time we got on even better and Lee even let me use his lens on my camera, and the results were spectacular. The rainbow that came out to greet us made it even more special. I have literally hundreds of photo's to edit and put up at some point. I will definitely be meeting up with Lee for more photography in future, and I owe him more than a few beers so I'm sure the cameras will get put down at some point too.
Jess holding a
Woma Python
Garth and Sarah went away on honeymoon to Noosa, Jess and I went to the cinema to see Taken 2 in Gold Class. Very posh. Then we caught the Rivercat and went to stay in Darling Harbour for a couple of nights. The Four Points Hotel is beautiful, our view over Darling Harbour and Cockle Bay was gorgeous and we got a great view of the sunset. For the next two days we did another go on the Jet-boat, this time wearing waterproofing, went to a few bars, walked around the Harbour, had more than a few drinks and just enjoyed being in each other's company. We also went into Wildlife Sydney and I told Jess that I would pay for her to hold a snake! She had said before that she would hold my cousin's pet Brazilian Rainbow Boa while she was in England, but it never happened. This time there was no way out, and to her absolute credit she did it! She held a Woma Python and I'm very proud of her.
With Jess in Darling Harbour
Incredibly my time in Australia was over again! My bags coming back were so light, the baggage handlers must have loved me! I hate saying goodbye to people that mean a lot to me, and I managed to fight off the tears as I said goodbye to Jess's parents but when it came to saying goodbye to Jess at the airport... Nothing could stop it, as hard as I tried. It was gut-wrenching to think I wouldn't see her again for 6 months and as a consequence the flight home was a very very long affair. The one bright spot of the journey came in Singapore. At the gate, with all passengers still on board the PA system announced:
"Would passenger by the name of Charles Carter please make himself known to the ground staff when disembarking the plane. Charles Carter. Thank you."
A mild panic set in... What was that about? Being one of the first off I went straight to the ground staff who then smiled politely and said:
"Mr Carter, you have been invited to the Qantas First Class Lounge.
Please make your way up there and have a good day!"
WOW!! Thank you very much. And I knew immediately that Lee had something to do with it, so again massive thank you to Lee! This is why I owe him more than a few beers!
I got to the Lounge and my word, it looked amazing. I sat down at the complimentary Apple Mac computers and immediately logged onto Facebook, as you do. After a quick status update and making sure I logged out, I was just making my way to a seat for a drink when the tannoy gladly announced:
"Would all remaining passengers for Qantas flight 1 to London please make your way to the gate where your flight is now ready for boarding and an immediate departure."
D'oh! So I make way for gate C23, get through security again and sit by the gantry waiting to board. And I sat there for at least an hour. D'OH! Could have stayed in the beautiful Qantas lounge! When we finally got on the plane, I sat in my seat and thought about how long this flight to London would be. Big mistake! While sat at the gate the Captain announced that we had missed our slot time for flight over Afghanistan and we'd have to wait almost an hour before leaving. Lightning DOES strike twice... this exact same reason saw my flight delayed leaving Singapore back in April 2010! In the end, no dramas, just a late departure and a loooooong flight to London.
Unusually for me, I didn't stick around to get some photographs of the aircraft's flight deck and being sat at the front of Economy, I was one of the first ones off the plane because I knew if I wasn't I'd have to queue at Customs, and the plan worked... Straight through. Then it was just a case of waiting for the bags... 30 mins. Might as well have queued! It was a struggle to get the bags down to the trains but I did it! And got the Heathrow Express into Paddington. Looking at the clock, it was 7am! We had only landed at 6am so I hadn't done badly at all, but now it was a waiting game. My train wasn't until 10:55am! I hung around for breakfast and then convinced the train manager of the first available train to let me on. The train journey was slow... the train was late out of the depot. How can the FIRST train of the day be late?! Then we got stuck behind a stopping service on the same line, so averaged 30mph to Reading. Finally we got some speed up, then had to slow down for other trains. Then we had to slow for leaves on the line. It's not a great advert for First Great Western but they have no affiliation with Beardy Branson so I'm quite content with them.
I arrived at Newton Abbot station about an hour late but still way before my scheduled train would have arrived, and after a 20 minute power nap in the late afternoon I went to the pub for a couple of pints with my mate Garry (Not Styles!). Now it's Tuesday morning and I'm back to work. It's still dark but it is cloudless here at least for now. That of course means it will be cold, and a stark contrast to the land Down Under right now but it's a brief glimpse of brightness when the days now cease at around 4:30pm. But really, what a difference the sun makes.
I'm going to apologise in advance because this is a long post...
I've never previously subscribed to the theory that things you experience as a child have a bearing on things you do as an adult. My mind could never see a link between being smacked as a child and growing up to be a violent criminal. If you broke the law or did something bad it was because you made the bad choice to do so, not because your parents struck you for taking extra chocolate from the cupboard. Recently though I have begun to understand that it's not the big behavioural traits that people refer to, but the subtleties of adult life. I have a tendency to look backwards to my past rather than ahead to my future and that has proven to not be a good thing for me.
About a week ago I had an awful day. I went to bed the night before fairly early and was more than ready to sleep. After sending the usual Goodnight / Good Morning text to Jess in Australia I began drifting off. I hadn't quite drifted when the phone went again, Jess's reply brought a smile to my face... All was well in the world. Then out of nowhere... BOOM. Shiver.
Nothing happened to set it off, I just became a paranoid mess and gradually got worse, all sorts of horrible thoughts ran through my head.
"Oh, God... Why have people always told lies about me? Why do I get spoken to like this? Why do people do that to me? What if I can't do this or that? Why do people's opinions of me affect me so much? How am I going to be able to afford to live and pay for x, y, z?"
All of these things have at some time been part of the thought process but never before have I experienced it in such an intense way. I managed to get some sleep, but very little. The next morning I woke up and the thoughts were there, getting more and more intense. The questions, the lack of an answer to them, unintentional rhetoric. And that led to another question... Why now?! Why a random Tuesday morning in October?! To this day I still don't have a clue what brought it on and on the verge of tears I almost stuffed the van into a hedge... That snapped me out of it. I don't want to lose my life, especially with a stupid loss of concentration.
Slowly but surely I began to recover... began to cheer up and perhaps being forced to deal with customers without showing them any of the pain I was in was the biggest help. Obviously at the moment with Jess the other side of the world, I am alone with my thoughts with no ability to be distracted from them. Customers forced my hand, they don't know me, don't want to know about it and don't care about anything other than how much money they have to give me or what idiot ordered all of that from me! As the day wore on my mood grew better and better and when I got back from work I had a shower, sat down on the couch and asked another question... what the hell was THAT?! With a doctor's appointment already in place for that week I was convinced by Jess to say something to him about it. I agreed... reluctantly.
Later in secondary school onto our late teens/early twenties, I was always the one people came to with their problems and I didn't mind that one bit. It meant I had friends. At primary school I was singled out and took a lot of abuse from the other kids, physical and vocal. To start with the same was true at secondary school. But approaching adulthood I had friends, real mates, and for once I had something to offer them; an ear. I was the one to help when someone found out their boyfriend was cheating on them, or if their girlfriend split with them, I was the one to help out when they felt they needed to leave home, I was the one who would drive across South Devon just to see them for a few minutes to make them feel better. I had even been known to drive up to Bristol just to see a friend for a few hours because she felt alone. I was there doing my best and trying to be strong for them, to show solidarity for them. But if I had a problem? Keep it to yourself, Charlie, people already think you're weak so don't prove them right.
The fact is that some of my friends were there for me just as much as I was there for them but I didn't utilise that when I needed to, or even realise that was the case. I thought that by smashing the hell out of a cricket ball or running in and bowling as fast as I could that I was releasing any stresses I may have had. After several years of this practice the biggest problem I ever faced got worse when the ability to go and release that stress was taken away from me and I wasn't allowed to go and smash a cricket ball or bowl as fast as I could. As a child all sorts of lies were told about me at school that if I heard now I'd just laugh off, but I took it personally. At secondary school, lies were told about me that were stupid teenage lies that again I'd laugh off if I heard again now. But as an adult, the worst lie possible was impossible not to take personally, and was far more serious. Aimed for maximum damage, taking my cricket away from me denied me my stress relief and that is where this has all really started.
No cricket meant being forced to sit at home, alone with my thoughts. Nothing to distract me. To say I was dealing with it on my own wouldn't be accurate, the amount of messages of support I had during this time was fantastic but of the friends that gave the support only one or two made the effort to actually come to see me. If I wanted support, it seemed like I had to go and get it from them. Some had their own things to deal with, that's fine. But suddenly everything seemed like a conspiracy... suddenly my mind was telling me that I was only good for people when they needed support, but if I wanted any I had to give it to myself. Normally this may have been true but having lost my main method of stress relief I felt I had nowhere to go.
Strangely though these feelings of people conspiring against me weren't alien. At secondary school I always had the feeling that people were plotting against me and waiting to hurt me or do something bad to me. Sometimes that was unfounded, sometimes I was completely right but still caught out. Being ambushed and egged in the local park by ALL of the 6 in our group of mates I hung around with did nothing to ease my feeling that people were out to get me. Going further back to primary school, being Eric Cantona Kung-Fu kicked from 4 different directions simultaneously while the Head Teacher (Shirley Armitage) looked on and ignored it probably started my paranoia of injustice. Someone I thought was supposed to be in authority saw it happen and did nothing. People dismissed it as me being a rude child when I was happy she said she was retiring. I actually cheered and (up until my mid-20's) I did not care less how her retirement had gone, to me that was unforgivable. These days I'm a little more forgiving and would probably find some closure in her seeing the success I've become despite all that went before. I wish her no ill.
Aged 7 I was already a little paranoid about kids bullying me. Aged 14 I was taken by surprise despite being paranoid something might happen. Aged 23 I was completely paranoid because the lie being told about me may be believed and I couldn't walk anywhere without constantly looking over my shoulder, my paranoia had me genuinely fearing for my safety and my life. I know that sounds over the top, but at the time it seemed very real. To this day, I try to know who and what is around me wherever I go.
So when mentioning all of this hesitantly to the Doctor I wasn't surprised to hear what he said even if I didn't want to hear it. Producing a leaflet he encouraged me to contact the Depression and Anxiety Service for South and West Devon, every fibre of my being is against me using it. I know I'm not a selfish person, the friends I've been there for know that too. But I know that my main reason for not calling the number on the leaflet is completely selfish; I don't want to hear stranger's problems. If I call them, I want them to help ME. I don't feel able to help anyone to the same degree I used to, certainly not the quantity of friends I used to help at the same time, I just don't have the strength. Previously I had thought depression was a weakness, just people being wet farts. Now I know differently but the shame of being the one who is "weak" and "needing help" was very much there.
Some friends I can't even bring myself to message or to attempt a friendship with anymore because the reminder of how things were at certain times is too overwhelming. That sounds awful, and again selfish... my health has taken a massive hit since those times and I cannot bear to help some of them anymore, especially as (again a selfish thought) the help I received from them was minimal. That's not to say the help wasn't appreciated, because it really was. I just felt it was disproportionate in the relationships which should be a two-way street without priority in either direction. Life rarely works out evenly though.
What frustrates me, and probably the people who still read my blog, is that time and time again I revert to the subject of what bad things have happened to me. Why can't I look forward and to all the great things my future holds? Perhaps it is because I genuinely cannot believe at times that this really is my life, these things have happened to me. When the chemical imbalance in my brain produces the good thoughts it brings me back to the much more philosophical view. The worst part of my life (2008-09) led me to take the decision to go back to Australia in 2009-10, the BEST time of my life. During the best time, the best thing ever happened to me. I met Jess. Late in 2010 things got better still with our engagement, 2011 better still when she came to live with me. 2012 has been just as great with her by my side. Now she's back in Australia and after the latest intense experience, the similarity from 3 years ago isn't lost on me. The most intense shiver episode I've ever had comes not long before I return to Australia, scene of happiness.
My 3 trips Down Under have been the best 15 months of my life, and as trip number 4 approaches this weekend the paranoia is being held off by the knowledge that good times will return very shortly. Friday night and a Qantas Airbus A380 mean that the NHS leaflet can remain in my drawer for the time being, or maybe the books could be good reading for the flight? Either way the feeling of no hope has been replaced by massive excitement because I haven't seen my fiancée in almost 6 weeks. A change of scenery often initiates a change of attitude, and as the cold darkness of winter approaches the UK it is nice to have some light and warmth available. Roll on Sunday in Sydney.
Lewis Hamilton at the 2011 Australian GP
Albert Park, Melbourne.
What is going on in the world of sport this week?! Given my recent appearance on "Flash And The Fat Stig" I'd say it's best to start with motorsport, and in particular the huge news that Lewis Hamilton has signed for Mercedes-Benz for the 2013 Formula 1 season. My initial reaction was that it's a massive mistake, but now I'm of the opinion that it's a big gamble that might pay off although I'm not so sure about any Championships. It appears that the relationship between Hamilton and McLaren had reached it's natural conclusion although there's nothing to say that in a couple of years Hamilton could be back at McLaren. I would even put a cheeky £5 on it. It also makes Jenson Button's position interesting. Now the team-leader, next year is pivotal because questions will be asked if the young Sergio Perez upstages him. I back Jenson to be in the hunt for the title next year.
Jenson Button, Albert Park, Melbourne
2011 Australian Grand Prix
Disappointingly that move seems to mean the end of Michael Schumacher's comeback. The only options I can see for Schumacher are Sauber or Ferrari and while he has history at both, his desire for another Championship and race wins rules out Sauber. Ferrari need someone to fill the seat for one year until Sebastian Vettel comes on board to partner Fernando Alonso and the choices seemingly are to keep the underperforming Felipe Massa or take on Michael Schumacher for one last hurrah. Alonso prefers to have a submissive team-mate so it'll be interesting to see how he reacts to the team if Massa is not only replaced by a 7-time World Champion, but if Sebastian Vettel then takes over from Schumacher! This is all mere speculation of course, but it makes Formula One unmissable for the forseeable.
In Football, at long last Tottenham Hotspur have beaten Manchester United in the Premier League. It's been long enough since they last did it in the league (2001) but even longer since they did it at Old Trafford (1989). I was probably the biggest doubter of Andre Villas-Boas when Spurs sacked Harry Redknapp in favour of the Portugese man, but while I'm still not convinced by him I am slowly coming around to him. April and May will provide the answer to how much of a success he has been/will be at Tottenham.
We have just witnessed one of the greatest comebacks in sporting history at the Ryder Cup. After being 9-4 down to the USA, Europe have just secured a victory by 14.5 to 13.5! That is incredible! Ian Poulter sparked a magnificent comeback right up there with Kimi Raikkonen's 2007 F1 Championship, Australia's 2006 Adelaide Victory in the Ashes, and Liverpool's 2005 Champions League Final against AC Milan. Fantastic sporting action in 2012 to go with the Olympics!
My own sporting future looks pretty bleak, it has to be said. If I had the financial clout, I would be in Australia right now with Macquarie University playing a part of the cricket season there. If my visa comes through before December there's a chance I may play some part. But as it looks the Australian Department of Immigration won't be issuing my visa until April and so unfortunately it means I will miss out on cricket until at least April, and then I will have to enter Australia by a certain date to make the visa valid. This potentially rules out cricket in the English summer here next year too, and while I had already accepted I had played my last game for Bovey Tracey CC I had not accepted I may face a year without playing any cricket. Missing 12 weeks in 2009 was bad enough but 12 months would be tough to take.
Away from sport it is now just 12 days until I am on my way back to Australia for a two-week trip. The main purpose of the trip is to attend a wedding, Jess's sister Sarah is marrying her long-time partner Garth. It should be a great day and it will be the first time I meet a lot of Jess's family. That makes me slightly nervous, I have to admit! But the family that I have already met have made me feel very welcome and part of their family, and we really hope that not too far in the future that will be the case. Perhaps the planning for our big day can properly begin after this? It all seems like a dream and so far away at the moment.
Beautiful Sydney Harbour
Every girl dreams about the day they get married, or so I'm led to believe! All I know is that I didn't start thinking about it until I met the one I knew I wanted to marry. I knew what I wanted the day to be like and I know things that I would love to happen at our wedding but money being the overbearing ruler of life, some things will not happen. I'll keep the details of my dream to myself for now, but I am certainly looking to Sarah and Garth's wedding for inspiration. It's the closest thing Jess and I will have to compare and I think it's fantastic to have that opportunity.
There is a well known song by The Darkness called "Is It Just Me?" and every time Jess and I are apart the words to it are completely appropriate. Music is a very powerful tool and I'm not alone in finding songs and words that fit my mood at that time. I also have a habit of having a favourite song for a period of time that I'll play over and over again, then move to another song! There is something slightly haunting about the lyrics when I'm in this situation. "Is it just me, or am I all on my own again?" for example. Or as autumn and winter approach "Do you yearn for me when the nights grow cold?" The element of truth in the songs we listen to is after all why we listen to them. "Til Death Us Do Part, to have and to hold, I want to give you my love."
