Grandads Will Never Be Forgotten

Frederick W Carter

1929-2016

The loss of a family member is a pain that I have been fortunate in my 30 years to have not had to deal with very often, but on 30th October 2016 I learnt of the death of my Grandad; Fred. The loss of the person whose approval means more to you than anyone else on the planet is a pain that is immeasurable, and added to that pain is knowing that I would not be able to attend his funeral and say my goodbyes while also being there for my family.

On Sunday 30th October I was, as usual on a Sunday, at the Australian Reptile Park. We knew in the week or two before that Grandad's condition had worsened significantly but when the call came it still shook me. We were packing for the afternoon show, I had a Burmese Python in one hand and a giant bag to put it in at the ready and I felt my phone vibrate. Deep down I knew it wasn't right, and when I saw that it was my Dad calling from the UK I got a lump in my throat, knowing it was about 3am over there. I asked the two other volunteers who were with me to take the snake because I knew what this call would be. Of course Dad sounded tired, who wouldn't? Then came the words. "I'm afraid it's happened. He's gone."

In my Grandad's arms as Emily plays

I can't pretend to know exactly what I said but I kept it together as best I could. Dad couldn't give me too much detail but he wanted me to know from him with a call rather than a text, it's just the right thing to do. I cannot imagine how crap Dad must have felt having to pass that news on so I didn't want to be too emotional for his sake. I still remember when he broke the news that my Grandad Briggs had passed away back in 1994 when I was just 8 years old, the words were almost identical; "I'm afraid he's gone." At 8 years old I still remember trying not to cry because sat next to me my sister was and I didn't want to make it worse. What must Dad have felt having to break that news to his young children back then? What must he have felt having to break the news now when it is his own father who has now gone? What an absolute champion, he handled it brilliantly when I'm sure he was hurting deeper than he'd admit with plenty of other things on his plate too.

As soon as I was off the phone I called my wife and broke the news. I let a little tear go and then made my excuses to get back to work, there was a show to happen. I let my colleagues know what had happened and they told me I could go home if I wanted but to be perfectly honest I didn't want to. I knew that the sooner I went home the sooner I would crack.  The afternoon's work at the Reptile

Grandad in the Captain's seat of
Concorde G-BOAC at Manchester

Park focussed my mind and kept me active and I cannot thank Stacey, Jesse, Kane, et al enough for their support that afternoon. We toasted Grandad at the pub afterwards and then I made my way home and as I got out of my car Jess was waiting in the drive and that's when the emotions hit me.

Inside the house, my in-laws came and gave me a hug and the tears flowed. I found some pictures of him and that made it even more real. My Grandad, my hero, was no longer with us. I found a picture of Grandad, Dad and myself on the steps of Concorde at Manchester and decided to upload it to Facebook without hinting that he had gone in case other members of the family had not heard yet. There was another picture of Grandad coming out of Concorde, beaming at the top of the steps with both thumbs up in the air. The happiness on his face, the fact I had provided him with that moment made me very proud and I broke down again. "Look how happy he was!"

March 2016 with Nanna, and for
the last time with Grandad

The next day or two I seriously contemplated how I could get over to the UK for the funeral. Free from the shackles of an idiot boss who said he would not have allowed me the time to do so, I felt a sense of duty that I should be there despite my new job starting on the day of his funeral. The more apparent it became that I wouldn't be there the more painful it was. I accepted it wouldn't be possible but still wrote a eulogy for him, which I recorded and will post below because that is my tribute to the man. I felt that was my goodbye. It cut me very deep to know I couldn't be there for his send-off and part of me is still guilty that I wasn't there, but so glad that I had the opportunity to take leave earlier in 2016 to go and visit. I have the pictures of what turned out to be our final goodbye. They will remain private.

Grandad and I shared a very special bond, we are (*were... Took a proof read to correct that) very alike in many ways and extremely different in others. For example, Grandad would absolutely hate the bad language that I use on a frequent basis, but would enjoy watching cricket, watching planes, and taking photographs as much as I do. He was present when I took 6-39 against Sidmouth, my best ever bowling figures. The last innings I played before he died was my best ever, 137 v Lane Cove. I love the fact they call me Freddie at cricket because as much as it's a reference to Flintoff it's of course his name too, so that makes me proud. He was the one responsible for my interest in aviation. Yes, my father was in the RAF and I had been around planes since I was very small, but as much as Dad tried to encourage an interest in planes it was Grandad who really got me going. He taught me how to identify different types of aircraft, and I can't put my finger on what it was Grandad did that got me going rather than Dad because I used to love going to RAF Brize Norton with Dad as a kid!

Grandad always talked about this day, and remembered my
bowling figures of 6-39. My best bowling performance.

The great thing about Grandad was that he never pushed any of his grandchildren into doing something they didn't want to do. Don't get me wrong, he'd offer his opinion! But he always said that if that's what we really wanted to do then to go for it with everything you've got but be prepared in case it doesn't come off. I remember being a bit upset at age 20 that he'd told me my chances of playing professional cricket had pretty much gone because I "hadn't been spotted yet", but he was absolutely right and let's face it, as much as I loved the game, I didn't have the mental application and drive I would have needed to make it big. He loved that I had got into the flying game, I knew he was disappointed I hadn't finished it all off. I am too. I knew he wasn't keen on me leaving for Australia but he also supported it because he knew that's what I wanted, and he loved the fact that I had found Jess and was happy. His family's success made him happy, I knew how proud he was of all of us. He told me every time I saw him, "Cousin X is doing this and is doing well, Cousin Y is doing that and is doing well which is smashing!". I saw him swell with pride.

He made sure we knew how proud he was of us. I hated knowing that he was upset. I hated knowing that he and Nanna couldn't come over to Australia for our wedding because I knew deep down he wanted nothing more than to be here for it but knew he couldn't make it. We FaceTimed him a couple of days after and he was so upset he couldn't make it and that in turn brought tears to the eyes of everyone in the room here that was talking to him and Nanna.

Grandad in front of his beloved Concorde at Manchester

I'm not really too sure what the point of this blog post is, other than to try to convey the sense of loss I am feeling. I understand that I didn't see Nanna or Grandad anywhere near as regularly as other family members due to the distances between our homes but I still believe I had a very special relationship with him. I'm not saying it was better or worse than anyone elses, just different. I feel very lucky to have shared so many special experiences with a man I consider my hero, and a man I aspire to emulate. I will always miss him.

In a cruel twist of fate, my wife and her family also suffered a huge loss just a fortnight later, when Jess's paternal Grandfather also passed away. There are parallels because her Grandparents don't live nearby either, across in Tasmania in the beautiful city of Hobart. I have not yet visited. All I could do in that situation was offer my complete support because it's still very fresh in my memory exactly how that feels. The whole Wallace clan headed to Tasmania for the funeral this week, but I did not join them. Part of me feels I should have been there as support for Jess, even though she was happy for me to stay here in Sydney. What is important is the continuance of the memory of two very well loved individuals and their legacies, and they will both be sorely missed by their families.

Rest In Peace, Frederick W Carter, and Aidan Wallace.

My eulogy to my Grandad. We love you and we will always miss you. xx

Anniversary? Already?

Anniversaries are curious things, aren't they? Birthdays and Wedding Anniversaries are the obvious ones we highlight, yet now we are continually reminded by social media that on this day 5 years ago you were angry about a sporting event, or on this day last year you had a pasta salad at an upmarket bar in the city (Guess which one of those was mine). But what is the fascination with anniversaries? What do they actually mean?

It is a source of constant amusement from Jess and her family that I can remember dates, phone numbers, addresses, postcodes and things like that from as long ago as I can remember. I can remember people's birthdays that I went to Primary School with, whether I like that person or not! I can remember phone numbers from places I lived 20 years ago, for friends I haven't seen in over a decade, and I have no idea why. April is a month heavy with all sorts of birthdays and anniversaries, with my Mum's birthday, my Nanna's birthday, my wedding anniversary, my own birthday, my cousin's birthday, several good mates birthdays, and especially poignant this year: Our 1st Wedding Anniversary and my 30th Birthday.

Little me

The thing about being on this planet is that it is constantly changing. At no two points in all of time will the planet be in exactly the same state, and as such 21st April 1972, for instance, will bear no resemblance to today; 21st April 2016. Similarly, my birthday next Wednesday will bear no resemblance to the corresponding date 30 years ago when I came kicking and screaming into this world on a ward in an RAF Hospital in Germany. But we celebrate the fact that I have been in existence while riding on a planet as it does 30 laps of the nearest star. I'm not saying we shouldn't, I just find it curious. The day I was born saw the world in a state of mild panic, a few hours prior to my birth the Chernobyl disaster played out. Hopefully nothing so devastating happens this year. No, I am not Satan's child...

I've spoken in length in previous blogs and Facebook posts about how good our Wedding day really was, and how thankful we are to everyone who came and everyone who made it such a special day for us. I could say things like "I can't believe it's been a year already!" and "We got through a year of marriage!" but the fact is I CAN believe it, and why wouldn't we have got through a year? Time moves on, we've reached a year which is great but... there are many many more laps of the Sun that I would like to partake in with Jess as my wife! Is it an achievement to make it a year? Is it an achievement to do a small fraction of what we promised to do on that day in 2015? I suppose in some ways it absolutely is, even so I would expect to make it many more yet. My parents have been married 33½ years, my grandparents nearly 64 years. That rather puts our 1 year into perspective...! They had to start somewhere though, and I'm sure their first anniversary was an occasion.

Jess at Wolfies

While not our actual Anniversary we went into Circular Quay on the Saturday. I'll be honest, I was not in good shape at all having come off the back of 4 days off with a Virus and a torn disc in my lower back. I had an appointment with my new Chiro before catching a train with Jess across the Harbour Bridge into the city, and we had a beautiful lunch at Wolfies. You can't ask for more than a beautiful lunch next to the Harbour Bridge with a view across to the Opera House with a beautiful wife opposite you. But this virus knocked me about, so much so I could only just get through half a pizza. Those that know me know that is unlike me!

2015

We couldn't pass up the opportunity to go back to the Sydney Harbour Marriott, where we had our reception and recreate a moment from last year, sitting together on the bench at the bottom of the staircase. We were treated to a drink on the house by the very kind barman, and we reminisced about different things about the day. THAT'S what anniversaries are all about, that's what they mean. The memories they provide. Good ones, bad ones, funny ones... They're all there and that's what makes them so special. Why wouldn't we celebrate that?

2016

The actual anniversary fell on Monday, which meant I was at work. Quite honestly, I wasn't really much better on Monday than I was on Saturday or Sunday. I barely made it two hours at the Reptile Park before I gave up and came home, and no-one needs to be told how much I love being there so to drag myself away from that...? More powerful statement than the Doctor's note I reckon! Next Wednesday I will also be at work for the day. 1986 in Germany, 2016 in Erskine Park! Might wait until Friday to celebrate that one!

Today is my Nanna's birthday. I've just spoken to her on FaceTime, and modern technology allows us to share an occasion such as this visually which is fantastic. I suppose THAT'S what anniversaries are all about, that's what they mean. Being able to share moments with loved ones, being able to bring people together to celebrate something. All of the moments and the memories they provide, good ones, bad ones, funny ones... They're all there and that's what makes them so special. Roll on the next one.

Coming "Home"

I have mixed feelings about the coming fortnight. This time tomorrow, Jess and I will be on Emirates 413, climbing out of Sydney on our way back to England. This will be the first time we have ever made this trip together, and the first time I have travelled with anyone between the UK and Australia. I've flown from London to Sydney via Hong Kong and Singapore, and London to Melbourne via Singapore but this time we are flying from Sydney into Manchester (via Dubai), an airport that aside from Exeter (where I worked for 5 years cumulatively) and maybe now Sydney I have spent more time at than any other. Yet this is the first time I will fly into Manchester, and on an Emirates A380. This should be exciting to an Avgeek like me, but in truth there is apprehension because of what this trip is actually for.

My Grandparents and my Dad at
Bovey Tracey CC in 2008

I won't go into detail, but my Grandparents aren't well. It's an undeniable fact of life that it is not everlasting, and I told my Grandparents 3 years ago when I left the UK that I would see them again. I'm only about 48 hours away at the time of writing from keeping that promise. There is a lot to look forward to when it comes to seeing them and a lot to be excited about coming back to the UK with my wife for the first time, for my paternal Grandparents to see Jess again but this time as a Carter.

England in February is not particularly glorious. The single figure temperatures, the frosty mornings, the rain and the minimal hours of daylight don't portray the country in the beauty we all know it possesses. I'd always envisaged not having to ever deal with another English winter's day, and given the mercury has been upwards of 30C for the last week or so here in Sydney it doesn't matter how much we try to prepare for it the cold will still come as a shock. Yet I still can't wait to get there... Not so much the location, but the people. It's a big old world we live in that at times seems tiny. It's times like these where you come to realise just how far away you are from your family and friends, and the joy you will get from seeing them again if only for the briefest of moments.

Chris, me, Liam at Heathrow

Leaving Bovey in 2013

It's safe to say that personally I haven't looked back since leaving Bovey Tracey on 17th March 2013. The progress I've made since then in building my life in Australia with Jess has surprised me, and on that date with the snow-capped hills of the Westcountry and Southern England passing us by, if we had sat down in the lounge at Heathrow and listed the things I/we have done in the last 3 years there isn't a snowflake's hope in Hell I would have believed it. I remember that day so well, leaving Devon and posing for a family photograph in front of my home of 17 years. Friends coming over to the house for breakfast and bidding me farewell. Chris Towell and Liam Berry, two of my best friends from school, making the journey to Heathrow to see me off. It truly moves me to know I have friends like that, and friends like Matt Pascoe, who have made the effort to come over to visit on multiple occasions (most notably our wedding) and is coming again later this year.

I am English. I am a "Pom" as our convict cousins so eloquently put it. But I am now a Permanent Resident of Australia. All of my sporting loyalties lie with England, yet I still call Australia "Home". This will be the first time I have come "home" to England as a visitor, not a resident. I can't begin to understand how strange that will feel. Or will it feel weird at all?! Will my already dodgy half-Devonian/half-Australian accent change to try and avoid comment? Somehow I don't think I'll be able to contain the "G'day mate, how ya goin'?!", although I equally don't think I'd get away with walking into the Dolphin Hotel in Bovey next Friday with "Ello, bey! 'Ow be knackin'?!" Not only that, but I'll be in England with a WIFE!!!!! Christ, I'll be 30 in two months time! I'll be intrigued to see how different the reality of Weaverham, Bovey Tracey and the people who live there is from the snapshot memory I have from three years ago. God knows I have changed, I can't wait to see how people have changed, yet I'm apprehensive about it too.

Grandad and I on the flight deck
of Concorde G-BOAC at
Manchester Airport in 2009

It's a strange sensation to be excited and apprehensive at the same time. It's going to be a very very busy time starting now. So it's off to bed now, wake up and get to the Reptile Park in the morning (I can't help myself, even on the day we fly across the world!), see my friends and animals, head home halfway through the day and then finish packing and off to SYD, DXB and MAN. Emirates, you might sponsor Arsenal but I'm trusting you will make the journey enjoyable. And however long the flight might be, it doesn't matter a jot when it comes to the rewards you get at the other end, with two beautiful countries, two beautiful families, and the chance to see the ones who mean the most to you.

Not long now, England... We're coming for you.