Emotionless Pre-Christmas Blogging!

In my last blog I touched on the subject of secrecy, lying and trust. Judging from the reaction I received from all quarters about it, it seems to have touched a nerve in many ways. Friends who have been lied to themselves said it really summed up how they felt about their friends and partners, and in a way that satisfied me. Not necessarily because other people have suffered at other people's lies too, but because it means that what I said actually reached someone, or even multiple people. I wouldn't say I've been particularly respected by many people other than the Macquarie University Cricket Club players during my two seasons there, especially the year I was Captain. So to hear people not only take notice of what I've said, but to agree with it is very humbling.

I do see myself as a leader but in order to lead you have to have the respect of your followers and be a big enough character to actually lead. I had dreamed of Captaining the 1st XI at Bovey Tracey CC since I was about 11 years old but by the time I was into my twenties it was clear I wasn't going to get the required level of respect from the rest of the players. I got on well with all of my team-mates but they looked to the bigger leaders like the Bradley brothers or overseas players. I'm fine with that, I think it's better to realise that I wasn't respected enough there than to try too hard to gain that respect. MUCC was different though, now I was the overseas and big things were expected of me and before I even arrived I had respect. During the first training sessions it was evident that I was being looked up to by the players all vying for selection and I feel I thrived in that position, and always will enjoy leading.

There are times that the only person you need to lead is yourself. New Year's Resolution's are all well and good but I've already made a couple to myself and of course they are the standard ones we say and never actually do. I don't really have anything to stop me though, so from New Year's Day until I organise some kind of gathering to say goodbye to my English friends and life I won't be touching alcohol. This is linked into my other vague promise to get fit. I haven't decided for sure how to do that just yet but I am looking at a few options that any of you that know me probably wouldn't associate me with! I would like to lose a little more weight and I believe that by doing so I can reinvent myself into the man I was in my early twenties.

But before all of that comes what could be my last ever Christmas in my home country. I say "could" because I hold a very faint hope that in future years Jess and I will be able to come over sometimes for Christmas, but it certainly wouldn't be a regular thing and without getting too far ahead of ourselves by the time that may be able to happen we could have children in tow! Logistically that could take it's toll. I think it's best we cross that bridge when we come to it.

This year, my parents and I will be joined by my Dad's brother (Remember the one with the aversion to the word "Uncle"?) and my Aunt, and on Boxing Day my sister and her family will be with us too. It doesn't really seem like Christmas in the same way it did last year because Jess hasn't been here to put the decorations up. A modest little Christmas tree on top of a set of drawers is all there is in our house that signifies it might be Christmas Time! As a result that also means it doesn't feel like it's my last Christmas in the UK. I'm not really sure how I'm going to feel during the day, I have some numbness about it all. Last year I was very content, I had my fiancée and my family around me, the decorations were up, it was all very special. This year it's all a little... empty. And the only difference is that Jess isn't here.

I still have massive excitement for getting over to Australia and starting my new life, but there are things to do here first. My good friend Simon Fairlie is coming over from Australia to visit for a few days. He's been to Devon before, in fact I think he was the second of my Australian team-mates to make the trip to visit me in England way back in 2007/08! He is currently visiting his brother Mark in New York for Christmas, how special that must be! He must be loving life, Christmas in New York with his family, New Year in London with his friends! Yes, that's right... London for New Year is confirmed! I'll be waving goodbye to 2012 in the same city I saw it in. And on New Year's Day the three of us (Simon, myself and my Brother-From-Another-Mother; Matt Pascoe) will be at White Hart Lane for Spurs v Reading. The form from Tottenham this year can best be described as inconsistant! I hope they put in a winning performance for us!

As mentioned before, I feel slightly empty at the moment. I am very happy to have a couple of weeks off work because even if I say so myself I have worked bloody hard and put a lot of hours in over the last few months. I feel I've earnt the rest and the chance to recharge my batteries. Perhaps that's why this entry doesn't seem to have much emotion... Perhaps that's even a good thing. Once Christmas comes though and it finally hits me that it is my last Christmas in England, then all the memories will come flooding back. I might even go and dig out some home videos.

I'd like to wish anyone that reads this a very Merry Christmas. I hope you get everything you want from it and I hope that those of you lucky enough to have your loved ones close by do not take that for granted.

Christmas 2011
I love you, Jess. xxxx

I've said it before, I'll say it a million times more. Jess, I love you. I cannot wait to be back with you. I'm going to miss you terribly this Christmas, but there is some comfort in the fact that after this we will never be apart for Christmas again. (There you go, there was some emotion in this entry!) xxxxxxxxxxxx

PS. We survived the apocalypse. WHAT a surprise(!)

I Trust You Won't Lie.

It's a question that has a multitude of answers but when asked is still meant rhetorically: Why do people LIE? It could be to gain an advantage over someone or something, it could be to make yourself appear better somehow, it could be to gain sympathy, it could be to cover yourself from something you shouldn't have said or done. But one thing is undeniable; If it is ever found out to be a lie, it's hurtful and incites all sorts of negative emotions.

I heard on the radio a fantastic sound-bite which perfectly sums up how I feel. "If you don't lie, you don't have to remember anything." If you tell a lie to someone and they remember what it was you said, then you give them a different version of events at a later date, it will ring an alarm bell in their head. They'll lose trust for you. In a relationship that can be the start of a downward spiral. In a working relationship it could cost you a customer, supplier or even result in someone getting physically hurt. In a legal matter you could have lost the jury, and if you have lied justice will be done.

Lying, Secrecy, Trust and Love are all linked. If you lie or keep things secret, it will be hard to trust and love you. Some people simply don't like to talk and keep things inside, which can be frustrating if you want to know what they are thinking. It's frustrating because it makes you think there's a secret or they're lying. That in turn reduces the trust and tests the love. So what do you do if you're already open and honest with them as you can be? Stupid as it may sound, you have to trust them. Just because you think there's a secret it doesn't mean there is. However, if you place that trust in them and at a later date find out that it was a lie? Oh, the pain.

It still doesn't answer why people lie. Take false accusations. Let's pull a rabbit out of the hat and say the allegation is, oh I don't know... Child Sexual Abuse. What goes through the accuser's mind before they make that allegation knowing that it's false? Were they put up to it? Why? In the cases of Jordan Chandler and Gavin Arvizo vs Michael Jackson it's simple, they wanted money, or actually more accurately their parents wanted money. The more research you do into the cases, the more you come to KNOW that Michael Jackson was innocent. But in the case of Joe Public, what can they gain by accusing him? Joe Public gets asked to attend a police interview voluntarily, not under arrest. Joe Public answers all the questions and understandably denies the horrifying lie told about him. He completes the whole interview and leaves at the end. He receives a phone call later that day from the Police saying there would be No Further Action. Is that the end of it? Fuuuuuuck, no.

The trouble with lies is they have consequences. Joe Public now can't go out in public without looking over his shoulder for the accuser, or their friends. Who might be after him? That kind of label is something NO man wants. That kind of label has a "no smoke without fire" stigma attached. Joe Public falls ill with stress, gets sent home from his job several times, it affects him at home where he feels trapped and runs it over in his head a million times. Joe spends the cold dark winter months trapped with fear in his own living room. What about the accuser? Oh, they're fine, getting on with their daily business as if nothing has happened. Where's the justice in that?

After several months Joe finally gets the confidence to go out again, finally decides to get back into his favourite sport. Plays a few matches, has a few good performances that mention him in the press. Uh-oh... The press... Exposure. The accuser might see this. Not long after, the accuser goes in for more. Except this time targeting the sport he plays. Suspension pending an investigation. 3 months later the police check comes back clear because he was never arrested or charged, while poor Joe is confined to his living room again. Unable to even attend his sports club, he's going mad with stress and sickness. What about the accuser? Oh, still fine. Life is but a dream.

Finally he's allowed to play again. What's the point? The season is almost finished! Back to that living room, Joe! Time to get away from it all. He contemplates ending it all. He stands with his car keys in one hand, a piece of rope in the other. His head is messed up, yet he hasn't told any lies or done anything wrong but cannot see any way out of this black hole. The accuser? Their head is fine, they're going about things normally, not paying for having told their lie. Joe snaps out of it. If he dies, they win. They've set out to attack him, he won't be beaten. Time for Joe to get away and recharge the batteries.

It takes several years but Joe gets over it. The accuser plays up whenever their path's cross. Joe has to put up with shouts of "Paedo" from kids who witnessed the public confrontations. That "no smoke without fire" stigma. It hangs around like the worst smell imaginable (Old people's care homes, in my opinion). Suddenly Joe's progress in getting over it takes a hit. Back into that living room. He'll recover in time. But the accuser? With nothing to recover from and the freedom to band around such lies is something Joe will never get over.

All that from a simple but devastating lie. Joe had the choice of keeping it from people or telling them the truth. Another sound-bite, this time from the world's most famous innocent man:

"LIES RUN SPRINTS. THE TRUTH RUNS MARATHONS." - Michael Jackson 2005

So he tells people the truth. He explains what he's been going through and what was said about him. Openness and honesty is always better than keeping things inside and people finding out through other sources. Chinese whispers are vastly inaccurate, whereas the horse's mouth can be trusted in most cases. Joe preferred people hearing it from him than from the rumour mill. That way the truth is guaranteed. Not everyone will be understanding of it, in fact Joe may even lose friends or girlfriends because of it. If that's the case he's better off without them if they can't handle the truth. The important ones stuck around for Joe.

I guess the moral of the story is that even if the truth hurts someone, a lie will hurt them even more. Truth breeds trust, secrecy and lying breeds suspicion. Sometimes trust is misplaced but then if you trust someone that tells you a lie, you are going to get hurt. My problem is that I am too trusting of people in general and sometimes it would be better for me to keep things inside and say nothing. However, just like Joe Public, I've been hurt by lies and honesty really is the best policy. If people are not honest with me in return, they're not really worth bothering with. If people are honest with me but hurt me, at least I know I can trust them. Even if people lie about something but then tell me the truth, I will have more respect for them. Think very carefully the next time you go to tell a lie, however big or small.

Christmas Time... Don't Let The Bells End

The final few weeks of 2012 are upon us. So much has happened this year it is difficult to remember it all clearly! For Jess and I the year began in London and while Jess is back home in Sydney there is a possibility I may end 2012 in London as well. We've had the Olympics, the Golden Jubilee, floods, the Ryder Cup, a brilliant season of Formula 1 and more recently the news of a new addition to the Royal Family and an almost immediate prank from an Australian Radio show and extremely saddening circumstances following that.

Christmas Day 2006, Mount
Donna Buang, Victoria
AUSTRALIA!

Personally I have had a busy year too. Starting the year with my Fiancée in London was a once in a lifetime opportunity for us both and to meet up with two friends from my childhood was fantastic. We had our first Valentine's Day spent together, we went to see Spurs play for the first time (possibly only time together), I had my final season at Bovey Tracey Cricket Club, my grandparents 60th Wedding Anniversary, we had a fantastic holiday to Ireland, Jess went home in September, I had a 2 week visit to Australia in October for the Wedding of the Year and 6 weeks on it's almost Christmas! Last Christmas was the first time Jess and I were in the same place for Christmas Day and whilst I don't like the snow, I really wanted Jess to have a white Christmas. Alas, not to be! This year is our last Christmas apart and while it's possible we may get snow in England it's highly doubtful in Sydney. Although I had a white Christmas near Melbourne in 2006, so never say never!

Jess and I
Giant's Causeway

People will say this year has gone quickly. No it hasn't. It was a leap year, 366 days! It may feel like it has gone quickly but I've said before that time can seem to have GONE quickly, it never seems to GO quickly. Jess had a great way of making the time pass when she was here. She'd want something to look forward to in order to break down the time until she went home. I would have to say it worked very nicely for her and it's probably the biggest reason that Jess and I did many of things we did while she was here. The Irish holiday was an amazing week and accounted for my first real blog entry, and when I look back at photographs and diary entries and things like that it just reminds me that despite all the anguish and pain I've suffered in the last 4 years, I really have been extremely lucky as well. There are some people I know who very very rarely make it out of Bovey Tracey, let alone out of Devon or out of the country. If I look at it like that I can't help but feel fortunate.

It doesn't seem too long ago that Jess was still here in England. It doesn't seem too long ago that I was over in Australia. Relatively speaking, it wasn't that long ago and now the focus is on upcoming events and wondering what 2013 will bring. Firstly, Christmas is just 16 days away. New Year is 23 days away. It's 88 days until Matt and I go to see The Darkness again, in London. And now it's "only" 124 days until the first possible day my visa could come through. Doesn't seem too long ago I blogged with 153 to go.

The realisation is slowly starting to creep in that I will be leaving this beautiful home of mine in England and I will never live here again. I know I've recently done a 2 week trip to Australia, but once I'm there it's not exactly going to be easy to just pop over here again and see people unless I come into an absurd amount of money! 124 days isn't long enough to save up for and do all the things I'd love to do before I go. I've mentioned a pilgrimage to Germany to see where I used to live, I'd love to see Spurs play a few more times, I'd love to see Formula 1 in my home country when I grew up so close to Silverstone. A lot of this will not happen, and so it's the more important things that I need to appreciate while I can. My niece is growing up so fast and is becoming more and more attached to me as she grows up. Naturally I have thought the world of her ever since she was born so leaving my family behind is going to be vastly upsetting.

Ultimately I will have to sacrifice a lot in order to have the life I desire in Australia. The example I look to is my Father. He left his home in Cheshire in order to join the RAF when he was just 16, and while his siblings all still live in Cheshire my Dad has lived all around the UK and overseas in Germany too. He left and got his independance and his own family life miles away from his family and made his home elsewhere. I am doing the same, just a fair bit further away from my family. Dad was 16 when he moved out, I will be 27. A slight difference but perhaps having twice left home for 7 months at a time to the other side of the world I am a little more prepared for how life may be. As much as I am wishing the time away until that day I know that once my last Christmas in Devon is over I'll be wishing that it didn't have to end so soon.