I heard on the radio a fantastic sound-bite which perfectly sums up how I feel. "If you don't lie, you don't have to remember anything." If you tell a lie to someone and they remember what it was you said, then you give them a different version of events at a later date, it will ring an alarm bell in their head. They'll lose trust for you. In a relationship that can be the start of a downward spiral. In a working relationship it could cost you a customer, supplier or even result in someone getting physically hurt. In a legal matter you could have lost the jury, and if you have lied justice will be done.
Lying, Secrecy, Trust and Love are all linked. If you lie or keep things secret, it will be hard to trust and love you. Some people simply don't like to talk and keep things inside, which can be frustrating if you want to know what they are thinking. It's frustrating because it makes you think there's a secret or they're lying. That in turn reduces the trust and tests the love. So what do you do if you're already open and honest with them as you can be? Stupid as it may sound, you have to trust them. Just because you think there's a secret it doesn't mean there is. However, if you place that trust in them and at a later date find out that it was a lie? Oh, the pain.
It still doesn't answer why people lie. Take false accusations. Let's pull a rabbit out of the hat and say the allegation is, oh I don't know... Child Sexual Abuse. What goes through the accuser's mind before they make that allegation knowing that it's false? Were they put up to it? Why? In the cases of Jordan Chandler and Gavin Arvizo vs Michael Jackson it's simple, they wanted money, or actually more accurately their parents wanted money. The more research you do into the cases, the more you come to KNOW that Michael Jackson was innocent. But in the case of Joe Public, what can they gain by accusing him? Joe Public gets asked to attend a police interview voluntarily, not under arrest. Joe Public answers all the questions and understandably denies the horrifying lie told about him. He completes the whole interview and leaves at the end. He receives a phone call later that day from the Police saying there would be No Further Action. Is that the end of it? Fuuuuuuck, no.
The trouble with lies is they have consequences. Joe Public now can't go out in public without looking over his shoulder for the accuser, or their friends. Who might be after him? That kind of label is something NO man wants. That kind of label has a "no smoke without fire" stigma attached. Joe Public falls ill with stress, gets sent home from his job several times, it affects him at home where he feels trapped and runs it over in his head a million times. Joe spends the cold dark winter months trapped with fear in his own living room. What about the accuser? Oh, they're fine, getting on with their daily business as if nothing has happened. Where's the justice in that?
After several months Joe finally gets the confidence to go out again, finally decides to get back into his favourite sport. Plays a few matches, has a few good performances that mention him in the press. Uh-oh... The press... Exposure. The accuser might see this. Not long after, the accuser goes in for more. Except this time targeting the sport he plays. Suspension pending an investigation. 3 months later the police check comes back clear because he was never arrested or charged, while poor Joe is confined to his living room again. Unable to even attend his sports club, he's going mad with stress and sickness. What about the accuser? Oh, still fine. Life is but a dream.
Finally he's allowed to play again. What's the point? The season is almost finished! Back to that living room, Joe! Time to get away from it all. He contemplates ending it all. He stands with his car keys in one hand, a piece of rope in the other. His head is messed up, yet he hasn't told any lies or done anything wrong but cannot see any way out of this black hole. The accuser? Their head is fine, they're going about things normally, not paying for having told their lie. Joe snaps out of it. If he dies, they win. They've set out to attack him, he won't be beaten. Time for Joe to get away and recharge the batteries.
It takes several years but Joe gets over it. The accuser plays up whenever their path's cross. Joe has to put up with shouts of "Paedo" from kids who witnessed the public confrontations. That "no smoke without fire" stigma. It hangs around like the worst smell imaginable (Old people's care homes, in my opinion). Suddenly Joe's progress in getting over it takes a hit. Back into that living room. He'll recover in time. But the accuser? With nothing to recover from and the freedom to band around such lies is something Joe will never get over.
All that from a simple but devastating lie. Joe had the choice of keeping it from people or telling them the truth. Another sound-bite, this time from the world's most famous innocent man:
"LIES RUN SPRINTS. THE TRUTH RUNS MARATHONS." - Michael Jackson 2005
So he tells people the truth. He explains what he's been going through and what was said about him. Openness and honesty is always better than keeping things inside and people finding out through other sources. Chinese whispers are vastly inaccurate, whereas the horse's mouth can be trusted in most cases. Joe preferred people hearing it from him than from the rumour mill. That way the truth is guaranteed. Not everyone will be understanding of it, in fact Joe may even lose friends or girlfriends because of it. If that's the case he's better off without them if they can't handle the truth. The important ones stuck around for Joe.
I guess the moral of the story is that even if the truth hurts someone, a lie will hurt them even more. Truth breeds trust, secrecy and lying breeds suspicion. Sometimes trust is misplaced but then if you trust someone that tells you a lie, you are going to get hurt. My problem is that I am too trusting of people in general and sometimes it would be better for me to keep things inside and say nothing. However, just like Joe Public, I've been hurt by lies and honesty really is the best policy. If people are not honest with me in return, they're not really worth bothering with. If people are honest with me but hurt me, at least I know I can trust them. Even if people lie about something but then tell me the truth, I will have more respect for them. Think very carefully the next time you go to tell a lie, however big or small.
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