Emotionless Pre-Christmas Blogging!

In my last blog I touched on the subject of secrecy, lying and trust. Judging from the reaction I received from all quarters about it, it seems to have touched a nerve in many ways. Friends who have been lied to themselves said it really summed up how they felt about their friends and partners, and in a way that satisfied me. Not necessarily because other people have suffered at other people's lies too, but because it means that what I said actually reached someone, or even multiple people. I wouldn't say I've been particularly respected by many people other than the Macquarie University Cricket Club players during my two seasons there, especially the year I was Captain. So to hear people not only take notice of what I've said, but to agree with it is very humbling.

I do see myself as a leader but in order to lead you have to have the respect of your followers and be a big enough character to actually lead. I had dreamed of Captaining the 1st XI at Bovey Tracey CC since I was about 11 years old but by the time I was into my twenties it was clear I wasn't going to get the required level of respect from the rest of the players. I got on well with all of my team-mates but they looked to the bigger leaders like the Bradley brothers or overseas players. I'm fine with that, I think it's better to realise that I wasn't respected enough there than to try too hard to gain that respect. MUCC was different though, now I was the overseas and big things were expected of me and before I even arrived I had respect. During the first training sessions it was evident that I was being looked up to by the players all vying for selection and I feel I thrived in that position, and always will enjoy leading.

There are times that the only person you need to lead is yourself. New Year's Resolution's are all well and good but I've already made a couple to myself and of course they are the standard ones we say and never actually do. I don't really have anything to stop me though, so from New Year's Day until I organise some kind of gathering to say goodbye to my English friends and life I won't be touching alcohol. This is linked into my other vague promise to get fit. I haven't decided for sure how to do that just yet but I am looking at a few options that any of you that know me probably wouldn't associate me with! I would like to lose a little more weight and I believe that by doing so I can reinvent myself into the man I was in my early twenties.

But before all of that comes what could be my last ever Christmas in my home country. I say "could" because I hold a very faint hope that in future years Jess and I will be able to come over sometimes for Christmas, but it certainly wouldn't be a regular thing and without getting too far ahead of ourselves by the time that may be able to happen we could have children in tow! Logistically that could take it's toll. I think it's best we cross that bridge when we come to it.

This year, my parents and I will be joined by my Dad's brother (Remember the one with the aversion to the word "Uncle"?) and my Aunt, and on Boxing Day my sister and her family will be with us too. It doesn't really seem like Christmas in the same way it did last year because Jess hasn't been here to put the decorations up. A modest little Christmas tree on top of a set of drawers is all there is in our house that signifies it might be Christmas Time! As a result that also means it doesn't feel like it's my last Christmas in the UK. I'm not really sure how I'm going to feel during the day, I have some numbness about it all. Last year I was very content, I had my fiancée and my family around me, the decorations were up, it was all very special. This year it's all a little... empty. And the only difference is that Jess isn't here.

I still have massive excitement for getting over to Australia and starting my new life, but there are things to do here first. My good friend Simon Fairlie is coming over from Australia to visit for a few days. He's been to Devon before, in fact I think he was the second of my Australian team-mates to make the trip to visit me in England way back in 2007/08! He is currently visiting his brother Mark in New York for Christmas, how special that must be! He must be loving life, Christmas in New York with his family, New Year in London with his friends! Yes, that's right... London for New Year is confirmed! I'll be waving goodbye to 2012 in the same city I saw it in. And on New Year's Day the three of us (Simon, myself and my Brother-From-Another-Mother; Matt Pascoe) will be at White Hart Lane for Spurs v Reading. The form from Tottenham this year can best be described as inconsistant! I hope they put in a winning performance for us!

As mentioned before, I feel slightly empty at the moment. I am very happy to have a couple of weeks off work because even if I say so myself I have worked bloody hard and put a lot of hours in over the last few months. I feel I've earnt the rest and the chance to recharge my batteries. Perhaps that's why this entry doesn't seem to have much emotion... Perhaps that's even a good thing. Once Christmas comes though and it finally hits me that it is my last Christmas in England, then all the memories will come flooding back. I might even go and dig out some home videos.

I'd like to wish anyone that reads this a very Merry Christmas. I hope you get everything you want from it and I hope that those of you lucky enough to have your loved ones close by do not take that for granted.

Christmas 2011
I love you, Jess. xxxx

I've said it before, I'll say it a million times more. Jess, I love you. I cannot wait to be back with you. I'm going to miss you terribly this Christmas, but there is some comfort in the fact that after this we will never be apart for Christmas again. (There you go, there was some emotion in this entry!) xxxxxxxxxxxx

PS. We survived the apocalypse. WHAT a surprise(!)