In my last blog I touched on the subject of secrecy, lying and trust. Judging from the reaction I received from all quarters about it, it seems to have touched a nerve in many ways. Friends who have been lied to themselves said it really summed up how they felt about their friends and partners, and in a way that satisfied me. Not necessarily because other people have suffered at other people's lies too, but because it means that what I said actually reached someone, or even multiple people. I wouldn't say I've been particularly respected by many people other than the Macquarie University Cricket Club players during my two seasons there, especially the year I was Captain. So to hear people not only take notice of what I've said, but to agree with it is very humbling.
I do see myself as a leader but in order to lead you have to have the respect of your followers and be a big enough character to actually lead. I had dreamed of Captaining the 1st XI at Bovey Tracey CC since I was about 11 years old but by the time I was into my twenties it was clear I wasn't going to get the required level of respect from the rest of the players. I got on well with all of my team-mates but they looked to the bigger leaders like the Bradley brothers or overseas players. I'm fine with that, I think it's better to realise that I wasn't respected enough there than to try too hard to gain that respect. MUCC was different though, now I was the overseas and big things were expected of me and before I even arrived I had respect. During the first training sessions it was evident that I was being looked up to by the players all vying for selection and I feel I thrived in that position, and always will enjoy leading.
There are times that the only person you need to lead is yourself. New Year's Resolution's are all well and good but I've already made a couple to myself and of course they are the standard ones we say and never actually do. I don't really have anything to stop me though, so from New Year's Day until I organise some kind of gathering to say goodbye to my English friends and life I won't be touching alcohol. This is linked into my other vague promise to get fit. I haven't decided for sure how to do that just yet but I am looking at a few options that any of you that know me probably wouldn't associate me with! I would like to lose a little more weight and I believe that by doing so I can reinvent myself into the man I was in my early twenties.
But before all of that comes what could be my last ever Christmas in my home country. I say "could" because I hold a very faint hope that in future years Jess and I will be able to come over sometimes for Christmas, but it certainly wouldn't be a regular thing and without getting too far ahead of ourselves by the time that may be able to happen we could have children in tow! Logistically that could take it's toll. I think it's best we cross that bridge when we come to it.
This year, my parents and I will be joined by my Dad's brother (Remember the one with the aversion to the word "Uncle"?) and my Aunt, and on Boxing Day my sister and her family will be with us too. It doesn't really seem like Christmas in the same way it did last year because Jess hasn't been here to put the decorations up. A modest little Christmas tree on top of a set of drawers is all there is in our house that signifies it might be Christmas Time! As a result that also means it doesn't feel like it's my last Christmas in the UK. I'm not really sure how I'm going to feel during the day, I have some numbness about it all. Last year I was very content, I had my fiancée and my family around me, the decorations were up, it was all very special. This year it's all a little... empty. And the only difference is that Jess isn't here.
I still have massive excitement for getting over to Australia and starting my new life, but there are things to do here first. My good friend Simon Fairlie is coming over from Australia to visit for a few days. He's been to Devon before, in fact I think he was the second of my Australian team-mates to make the trip to visit me in England way back in 2007/08! He is currently visiting his brother Mark in New York for Christmas, how special that must be! He must be loving life, Christmas in New York with his family, New Year in London with his friends! Yes, that's right... London for New Year is confirmed! I'll be waving goodbye to 2012 in the same city I saw it in. And on New Year's Day the three of us (Simon, myself and my Brother-From-Another-Mother; Matt Pascoe) will be at White Hart Lane for Spurs v Reading. The form from Tottenham this year can best be described as inconsistant! I hope they put in a winning performance for us!
As mentioned before, I feel slightly empty at the moment. I am very happy to have a couple of weeks off work because even if I say so myself I have worked bloody hard and put a lot of hours in over the last few months. I feel I've earnt the rest and the chance to recharge my batteries. Perhaps that's why this entry doesn't seem to have much emotion... Perhaps that's even a good thing. Once Christmas comes though and it finally hits me that it is my last Christmas in England, then all the memories will come flooding back. I might even go and dig out some home videos.
I'd like to wish anyone that reads this a very Merry Christmas. I hope you get everything you want from it and I hope that those of you lucky enough to have your loved ones close by do not take that for granted.
Christmas 2011 I love you, Jess. xxxx
I've said it before, I'll say it a million times more. Jess, I love you. I cannot wait to be back with you. I'm going to miss you terribly this Christmas, but there is some comfort in the fact that after this we will never be apart for Christmas again. (There you go, there was some emotion in this entry!) xxxxxxxxxxxx
PS. We survived the apocalypse. WHAT a surprise(!)
It's a question that has a multitude of answers but when asked is still meant rhetorically: Why do people LIE? It could be to gain an advantage over someone or something, it could be to make yourself appear better somehow, it could be to gain sympathy, it could be to cover yourself from something you shouldn't have said or done. But one thing is undeniable; If it is ever found out to be a lie, it's hurtful and incites all sorts of negative emotions.
I heard on the radio a fantastic sound-bite which perfectly sums up how I feel. "If you don't lie, you don't have to remember anything." If you tell a lie to someone and they remember what it was you said, then you give them a different version of events at a later date, it will ring an alarm bell in their head. They'll lose trust for you. In a relationship that can be the start of a downward spiral. In a working relationship it could cost you a customer, supplier or even result in someone getting physically hurt. In a legal matter you could have lost the jury, and if you have lied justice will be done.
Lying, Secrecy, Trust and Love are all linked. If you lie or keep things secret, it will be hard to trust and love you. Some people simply don't like to talk and keep things inside, which can be frustrating if you want to know what they are thinking. It's frustrating because it makes you think there's a secret or they're lying. That in turn reduces the trust and tests the love. So what do you do if you're already open and honest with them as you can be? Stupid as it may sound, you have to trust them. Just because you think there's a secret it doesn't mean there is. However, if you place that trust in them and at a later date find out that it was a lie? Oh, the pain.
It still doesn't answer why people lie. Take false accusations. Let's pull a rabbit out of the hat and say the allegation is, oh I don't know... Child Sexual Abuse. What goes through the accuser's mind before they make that allegation knowing that it's false? Were they put up to it? Why? In the cases of Jordan Chandler and Gavin Arvizo vs Michael Jackson it's simple, they wanted money, or actually more accurately their parents wanted money. The more research you do into the cases, the more you come to KNOW that Michael Jackson was innocent. But in the case of Joe Public, what can they gain by accusing him? Joe Public gets asked to attend a police interview voluntarily, not under arrest. Joe Public answers all the questions and understandably denies the horrifying lie told about him. He completes the whole interview and leaves at the end. He receives a phone call later that day from the Police saying there would be No Further Action. Is that the end of it? Fuuuuuuck, no.
The trouble with lies is they have consequences. Joe Public now can't go out in public without looking over his shoulder for the accuser, or their friends. Who might be after him? That kind of label is something NO man wants. That kind of label has a "no smoke without fire" stigma attached. Joe Public falls ill with stress, gets sent home from his job several times, it affects him at home where he feels trapped and runs it over in his head a million times. Joe spends the cold dark winter months trapped with fear in his own living room. What about the accuser? Oh, they're fine, getting on with their daily business as if nothing has happened. Where's the justice in that?
After several months Joe finally gets the confidence to go out again, finally decides to get back into his favourite sport. Plays a few matches, has a few good performances that mention him in the press. Uh-oh... The press... Exposure. The accuser might see this. Not long after, the accuser goes in for more. Except this time targeting the sport he plays. Suspension pending an investigation. 3 months later the police check comes back clear because he was never arrested or charged, while poor Joe is confined to his living room again. Unable to even attend his sports club, he's going mad with stress and sickness. What about the accuser? Oh, still fine. Life is but a dream.
Finally he's allowed to play again. What's the point? The season is almost finished! Back to that living room, Joe! Time to get away from it all. He contemplates ending it all. He stands with his car keys in one hand, a piece of rope in the other. His head is messed up, yet he hasn't told any lies or done anything wrong but cannot see any way out of this black hole. The accuser? Their head is fine, they're going about things normally, not paying for having told their lie. Joe snaps out of it. If he dies, they win. They've set out to attack him, he won't be beaten. Time for Joe to get away and recharge the batteries.
It takes several years but Joe gets over it. The accuser plays up whenever their path's cross. Joe has to put up with shouts of "Paedo" from kids who witnessed the public confrontations. That "no smoke without fire" stigma. It hangs around like the worst smell imaginable (Old people's care homes, in my opinion). Suddenly Joe's progress in getting over it takes a hit. Back into that living room. He'll recover in time. But the accuser? With nothing to recover from and the freedom to band around such lies is something Joe will never get over.
All that from a simple but devastating lie. Joe had the choice of keeping it from people or telling them the truth. Another sound-bite, this time from the world's most famous innocent man:
"LIES RUN SPRINTS. THE TRUTH RUNS MARATHONS." - Michael Jackson 2005
So he tells people the truth. He explains what he's been going through and what was said about him. Openness and honesty is always better than keeping things inside and people finding out through other sources. Chinese whispers are vastly inaccurate, whereas the horse's mouth can be trusted in most cases. Joe preferred people hearing it from him than from the rumour mill. That way the truth is guaranteed. Not everyone will be understanding of it, in fact Joe may even lose friends or girlfriends because of it. If that's the case he's better off without them if they can't handle the truth. The important ones stuck around for Joe.
I guess the moral of the story is that even if the truth hurts someone, a lie will hurt them even more. Truth breeds trust, secrecy and lying breeds suspicion. Sometimes trust is misplaced but then if you trust someone that tells you a lie, you are going to get hurt. My problem is that I am too trusting of people in general and sometimes it would be better for me to keep things inside and say nothing. However, just like Joe Public, I've been hurt by lies and honesty really is the best policy. If people are not honest with me in return, they're not really worth bothering with. If people are honest with me but hurt me, at least I know I can trust them. Even if people lie about something but then tell me the truth, I will have more respect for them. Think very carefully the next time you go to tell a lie, however big or small.
The final few weeks of 2012 are upon us. So much has happened this year it is difficult to remember it all clearly! For Jess and I the year began in London and while Jess is back home in Sydney there is a possibility I may end 2012 in London as well. We've had the Olympics, the Golden Jubilee, floods, the Ryder Cup, a brilliant season of Formula 1 and more recently the news of a new addition to the Royal Family and an almost immediate prank from an Australian Radio show and extremely saddening circumstances following that.
Christmas Day 2006, Mount
Donna Buang, Victoria
AUSTRALIA!
Personally I have had a busy year too. Starting the year with my Fiancée in London was a once in a lifetime opportunity for us both and to meet up with two friends from my childhood was fantastic. We had our first Valentine's Day spent together, we went to see Spurs play for the first time (possibly only time together), I had my final season at Bovey Tracey Cricket Club, my grandparents 60th Wedding Anniversary, we had a fantastic holiday to Ireland, Jess went home in September, I had a 2 week visit to Australia in October for the Wedding of the Year and 6 weeks on it's almost Christmas! Last Christmas was the first time Jess and I were in the same place for Christmas Day and whilst I don't like the snow, I really wanted Jess to have a white Christmas. Alas, not to be! This year is our last Christmas apart and while it's possible we may get snow in England it's highly doubtful in Sydney. Although I had a white Christmas near Melbourne in 2006, so never say never!
Jess and I
Giant's Causeway
People will say this year has gone quickly. No it hasn't. It was a leap year, 366 days! It may feel like it has gone quickly but I've said before that time can seem to have GONE quickly, it never seems to GO quickly. Jess had a great way of making the time pass when she was here. She'd want something to look forward to in order to break down the time until she went home. I would have to say it worked very nicely for her and it's probably the biggest reason that Jess and I did many of things we did while she was here. The Irish holiday was an amazing week and accounted for my first real blog entry, and when I look back at photographs and diary entries and things like that it just reminds me that despite all the anguish and pain I've suffered in the last 4 years, I really have been extremely lucky as well. There are some people I know who very very rarely make it out of Bovey Tracey, let alone out of Devon or out of the country. If I look at it like that I can't help but feel fortunate.
It doesn't seem too long ago that Jess was still here in England. It doesn't seem too long ago that I was over in Australia. Relatively speaking, it wasn't that long ago and now the focus is on upcoming events and wondering what 2013 will bring. Firstly, Christmas is just 16 days away. New Year is 23 days away. It's 88 days until Matt and I go to see The Darkness again, in London. And now it's "only" 124 days until the first possible day my visa could come through. Doesn't seem too long ago I blogged with 153 to go.
The realisation is slowly starting to creep in that I will be leaving this beautiful home of mine in England and I will never live here again. I know I've recently done a 2 week trip to Australia, but once I'm there it's not exactly going to be easy to just pop over here again and see people unless I come into an absurd amount of money! 124 days isn't long enough to save up for and do all the things I'd love to do before I go. I've mentioned a pilgrimage to Germany to see where I used to live, I'd love to see Spurs play a few more times, I'd love to see Formula 1 in my home country when I grew up so close to Silverstone. A lot of this will not happen, and so it's the more important things that I need to appreciate while I can. My niece is growing up so fast and is becoming more and more attached to me as she grows up. Naturally I have thought the world of her ever since she was born so leaving my family behind is going to be vastly upsetting.
Ultimately I will have to sacrifice a lot in order to have the life I desire in Australia. The example I look to is my Father. He left his home in Cheshire in order to join the RAF when he was just 16, and while his siblings all still live in Cheshire my Dad has lived all around the UK and overseas in Germany too. He left and got his independance and his own family life miles away from his family and made his home elsewhere. I am doing the same, just a fair bit further away from my family. Dad was 16 when he moved out, I will be 27. A slight difference but perhaps having twice left home for 7 months at a time to the other side of the world I am a little more prepared for how life may be. As much as I am wishing the time away until that day I know that once my last Christmas in Devon is over I'll be wishing that it didn't have to end so soon.
It's England. It's raining. Should we be surprised? Actually, yes we should but not the fact that it's raining, rather the sheer volume of water falling from the sky. The ground is saturated and every shower brings the chance of flooding ever closer. It's funny how the phrase "Global Warming" has been altered to "Climate Change" because any theory that we may actually get "warmer" weather on a regular basis in the British Isles has been blown out of the water. No pun intended. When I was young it always used to be that we had hot sunny days in summer, ice and snow in winter. These days we seem to get year-round rain with occasional short spells of sunshine. Every few months there seems to be somewhere else with flood damage.
Mill On The Exe, Exeter with Press and TV coverage
As someone who predominantly plays summer sports I was excited by the prospect of England being a hot country! For the last 5 years our summers have been wet and miserable, not conducive to cricket in any way. Really it's no wonder so many of us go over to Australia in search of better weather and therefore more cricket, however to say it doesn't rain over there either wouldn't be accurate. It does, and a lot of the time heavier and more dramatic than the current deluge the South West of England finds itself under. Nevertheless, the resulting floods that have struck the Westcountry after this rain are still terrible, especially around the River Exe in Exeter. Cowley Bridge looked awful from the aerial shots, even the railway was under water. Today I went to look for myself and thankfully the water has receded for now.
Sky News featured a short video from Bovey Tracey, my hometown. I had to drive through it and I also took a video although I didn't think to send it to a news agency. I have only ever once known the water get that high in Bovey, I remember going on my paper round as a 13 year old and almost getting my pushbike stuck in the "puddle" opposite Station Road car park which was up to the handlebars. Now I'm old enough to drive, going through it this time left me considerably drier but the difference this time is that it continued raining and getting higher as the evening wore on! I haven't seen that amount of water in Bovey, ever. It literally made every road into a river, and it got to the stage where I had to say "no more deliveries" while working at Pizza Box on Saturday night. It took a little over an hour for the water on Station Road to go from a bit of a puddle to a full-blown flood.
Vettel winning in Melbourne 2011
Thank you and goodbye, Michael Schumacher
Rain isn't exclusive to England, of course. Yesterday in Sao Paulo, Brazil the Formula 1 World Championship decider was settled in favour of that man again, Sebastian Vettel. Rain played it's part and allowed Vettel to recover after a first lap spin and to be fair to him, he scored more points over the season and therefore deserves to be the youngest Triple World Champion in F1 history. Red Bull have done a fantastic job and I only wish now that Adrian Newey would move on to a different mid-field team and take them to the top the way he has done before with Red Bull, McLaren and Williams. It won't happen anytime soon though. Also we have seen the last of Michael Schumacher in a Formula 1 car and I find that pretty sad. I was a massive Schumacher fan in his Ferrari years but the comeback with Mercedes hasn't gone to plan for him, and I am just glad I was able to see the great man race in Melbourne 2011, even if it didn't last long and wasn't at the front. Love him or hate him, he is a 7 times World Champion and a true legend of the sport. He statistically is the greatest ever, however I'm not the only one to feel that Ayrton Senna is the only one who can be considered the greatest of all time, something that Schumacher himself says.
A rainbow in Bovey, but don't expect a pot of gold(!)
Back to the weather, this last week has been atrocious. Of course that has a bearing on my mood and I'm fast coming close to having a Sense Of Humour Failure after the week that was. In recent years I've actually been fairly lacklustre about keeping time, and usually turn up on time or a minute or two late. I never used to do that, I always used to be the one there on time or extra early. I've made a conscious effort since getting home from Australia last month to be early for most things I do, and when I make an extra effort to be early for things there is nothing more frustrating than something or someone making me late. I have my reasons for going to places early, because I know that if I don't I will end up cutting it fine to get to my other responsibilities and if I'm late to that, other people are affected and suddenly it's me that's forcing something or someone to be late. Obviously weather related delays can't be helped. I can't do anything about the road accidents causing delays, but when other people make me late it's infuriating because I know that'll I'll be causing other people to be infuriated by MY lateness.
The rain is falling once again and I wouldn't be surprised if the water rises in Bovey again and reaches similar levels, although as time passes thankfully that seems less and less likely. Yesterday morning I took a walk down to the scene to try and get some photographs in daylight but the water had gone and there was nothing to take a photo of. Perhaps I should be thankful I'm not working in it today. If the forecasts are to be believed then after the rain disappears there will be ice, snow and general freezing temperatures around. Just what is required, freezing temperatures and wet ground(!) Mind you, the Met Office also told us to expect a hot summer. How did that turn out? At the moment it's very much a case of wait and see, whatever it may be. With the visa application, seeing Jess, and other delays at the moment, it seems that all I ever do is wait. Just quietly, I'm tired of waiting and growing ever more impatient for the next 137 days to pass.
Me with Faisal Iqbal,
Pakistani International Cricketer
This week, I shall be mostly going on a rant. Especially about a lot of things in the news at present. Given that I have just had the misfortune of watching my team get embarrassed AGAIN by our most hated rivals, let's start with football. I'll leave my growing dislike of Andre Villas-Boas' transformation of Tottenham from Champions League contenders to mediocre minors out for a moment. The big subject in football at the moment is Racism; Be it a former England Captain, a referee, or a foreigner misusing his own language, racism has come to the fore again. I don't know with absolute certainty what happened in any of those instances but what has me riled is the presence of a Society Of Black Lawyers and the potential formation of a Professional Black Footballer's Association.
Jess and I with Glenn and Satchi (Japan)
Campaigns to get rid of racism, such as Kick It Out in football, will be undermined as long as these organisations exist. Why is there a Society of Black Lawyers? Is there a Society of White Lawyers? No, there is not. Why isn't a Society of Lawyers sufficient enough to represent everyone in the modern day world? Racial sensitivity has gone into overdrive and I personally think it is ridiculous. I cannot see how we can live as one human race if we keep creating these divisions, and separating the supposed "minority" into their own groups! Imagine the outcry if for example, black lawyers were excluded from being part of a society. Hang on, though... there's a Society of Black Lawyers... presumably this means white lawyers are excluded? Outcry? Of course not!
Me with Chris Gayle
(West Indies International cricketer)
I'd like to point out that I am absolutely against racism, and ironically I was recently accused of racism by a former cricket team-mate of mine from Australia. He is of Indian descent, and he was running his mouth on Facebook with his friends about how great India was and how rubbish England, Australia, Sri Lanka and Pakistan were. There's more irony there, because he lives in Australia and has done for most of, if not all of his life. I defended my country and my future country of residence, and noted that he has adopted Australia as his home so if he and his friends hate it there so much, "why don't you leave and go somewhere else? I hope none of you pricks poison my country with your presence" Suddenly, I'm a racist... He later explained to me that because I called them "pricks" that he thought I was being racist towards India, being that they happened to all be Indians. I probably should have used a less abrasive word, such as "idiot" and apologised for that part at least, but I stand by the principle of what I said. "Poison" probably wasn't a good word either, but I intended the "poison" to refer to people clearly having negative feelings towards England.
Me and Ali Imran Pasha (Pakistan)
He pointed out to me that he had friends from Pakistan and Sri Lanka and he respected them and vice-versa. I pointed out that I have friends from USA, Canada, Italy, Germany, France, Norway, Hong Kong, China and Japan and at I've played cricket alongside Aussie's, Kiwi's, South Africans, Zimbabweans, Pakistani's, Indians, Sri Lankans, Bangladeshi's, some of whom were internationals, and I also netted with the West Indians in Sydney. I showed respect to each and every one, they showed respect to me. At no point did I single out any nations, or even insinuate that Indian's were inferior in any way. I told him categorically that I wasn't racist, if he looked carefully again I just said "pricks." At the end of the day, a prick is a prick, whether he is Indian, Black, White, Asian, or Latino. I make no distinction between people in that way, and see no reason why anyone else should. Equality works both ways, positively and negatively. Absolutely, people shouldn't be thought of as being any less worthy because of their race, equally people shouldn't be thought of as better or more entitled either. Anyway, he accepted that I wasn't being racist and I accepted I should perhaps have used better words.
Me and Kumraj Milon
(Bangladesh)
On the subject of entitlement and equality I turn to cricket because a few years ago there were a few racial issues too, coincidentally involving India and Australia. Currently England are being outplayed in India in the First Test, but a recent development in International Cricket is the use of DRS (Decision Review System), designed to back up umpires or overturn mistakes. Every country has accepted it's use and clear benefits, except India. And so we find ourselves with cricket in India developing in a different way to the rest of the World. There are different rules in play for Test Matches involving India, and this is wrong! I'm not suggesting it's a racial thing, but if we are going to seriously have a world without racism then we have to have equality in all things, including sport! It's like saying that one football club should be able to defend a goal that is half the size of a normal goal, but still get to shoot at a full sized one. It should be the same set of rules across the whole sport, not one set of rules for a club/country that don't like part of it. We keep creating divisions and ultimately that is not conducive to equality.
Me and Prashant (India)
I realise that this article may be viewed as anti-Indian, and that is far from the point of the piece. As mentioned before, I have many friends from India or of Indian descent. Indian food is among my favourite food, and India is definitely a country I would love to visit. I get on very well with my Indian friends, I am interested in their culture and I wish to experience it for myself one day, and they share my passion for cricket! I am merely using India as an example in this piece. We could talk about the racial quota system in place in South African cricket, that says their side must have two non-white players in the side. In my opinion you should pick the 11 best players regardless of race. Ultimately that's why Kevin Pietersen is now playing for England. I can't imagine the West Indies having a rule that says they must include at least 2 non-black players, can you?
Hari, myself and Jairam (Indians)
Then there's the controversy over the Tottenham fans chanting at the moment. For years, Spurs fans have been referred to as "Yids", a result of the Jewish community in that part of North London. The interesting bit is that the word is apparently considered offensive depending on how it is pronounced. If it is pronounced "Yeed" then no problem. If pronounced "Yid" then apparently it's racist. Now, pardon my ignorance but isn't being Jewish a religion, not a race? Anyway, it was first used by other team's fans as a derogatory chant towards Spurs fans, who then turned it around and use it as a word of pride, now Spurs fans call themselves the Yid Army.
Rod Hokin (Australia) and I
Now the other clubs are trying to get chants involving the word "Yid" banned, which is pure hypocrisy! They had what they thought was an insult, and now the subjects of the insult are using the word with pride! Surely that is reducing the offensiveness of the word and de-sensitising people to it? It seems a word is deemed offensive depending on who uses it. If I were to use the "N" word, I would be guilty of racism. If a black person uses the same word, it's not racism. If Spurs fans are prosecuted for using the word "Yid" then black people must be prosecuted for using the "N" word. For the record, I don't think either party should be guilty of racism for their respective words, but it all goes back to what I was saying about equality. One rule for one group of people, another rule for others. But that's just the point. There shouldn't BE groups of people. We are all human, after all.
Me and Pranish (India)
Perhaps the problem is lack of respect for other people's cultures. People are no longer isolated in the world and broadening one's horizons is always going to happen. Taking England as an example, there are so many different cultures in London it is unbelieveable. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it seems that a lot of the people that come to England have no desire to take in British culture or to even respect it. Why would you move to a country if you have no interest in it? I welcome people in to England who are going to be positive, but if you have no desire to even learn the language what are you doing here? I have no problem with other cultures being here, but it disappoints me to see parts of Britain becoming foreign. I caught the train home from London a few weeks ago and more than one station along the way has signs completely in Arabic. I understand catering for foreign languages, Jess and I would have been lost in Paris without some of the English translations, but these weren't translations! They were out and out foreign with an English translation!
Me with Matt (Australia)
and Clare (France)
Now, I like to joke about the French, those of you who know me will know that, but that's all it is. Anglo-French humour. I do have French friends and they are delightful. I have massive respect for the French taking such a bold decision as banning the Bhurka. This was very controversial when it happened, but they are standing up for their French principles and I respect that very highly. How many Middle-Eastern countries are there where women MUST cover up, regardless of where they are from? It is illegal to chew on chewing gum in Singapore, how many other countries around the world chew gum? Regardless where you are from, you will get a fine if you chew gum in Singapore, it's their rules. So tell me why Britain is rapidly fading? Why is British rule slowly disappearing?
My adopted South African/Australian
family.
When I move to Australia in 2013 I fully expect to adhere to their rules and laws. I fully expect to embrace Australian culture. When Jess and I went to Ireland, we took in the Irish culture. When we went to France, we took in French culture. Wherever you visit, surely an attraction is to take in the culture. What's the point of going somewhere that's exactly the same as home? Australian culture is similar to British culture and perhaps that's an attraction, but there's enough of a difference there. I really want to experience Indian culture first hand and taste their food, see their sights and see their way of life. Same for South Africa, USA, Caribbean and others. Although in reality, all I need to do is travel 3 hours to London and that's sad. But on the plus side, 2012 has shown us that even with so many cultures in one place our Capital city can still be overtly British and something for Brits to be proud of.
London, England. Still British enough?
I resent being called a racist when I have always respected everyone's cultures and beliefs. Take a look at every single photograph on this blog entry, I am the only English person included. I resent the notion that I pick my friends based on their nationality or race. Martin Luther King's dream was that one day his children would be judged not by the colour of their skin, by the content of their character. I believe I do just that and whether I like a person or not isn't affected by the colour of their skin. I may not agree with all of their beliefs, and they may not agree with mine but as long as there is some kind of respect shown then that's all I ask. Ultimately, it's a lack of respect that creates these tensions and until people can show respect to each other we are destined to be divided in everything we do and ideals will never be realised. There's nothing that can't be done if we raise our voice as ONE.
So here we are, Saturday 10th November 2012. A day off both of my jobs at last! Even if I do say so myself, I have worked bloody hard since I got back from Australia two weeks ago and I think I've earnt this rest. Except, I've not really been resting, I've been heavily editing my video diary from Australia, and I've been packing. This is all far too early, surely? The conversation I had with my Migration Officer when I last spoke to them was to confirm that my visa will not be granted until 9 months from the date of application have passed, and so my target date is 12th April 2013. Coincidentally, my mother's birthday. When I received this news, I was a mixture of disappointed and relieved. Extremely disappointed that my life with Jess cannot be expedited at all, but relieved at the news that they have everything they require in order to grant me an Australian Visa. I hadn't heard the result of my medical until this point but I am told there are no problems there, so even more reason for relief!
Jess and I before she left England
So why am I packing already? To tell you the truth, I don't really know myself. Perhaps it's a result of being around Jess, who is so organised with things like this that an administrative job would suit her enormously. Jess had her bags packed for going home to Australia about 2 weeks before she flew! It was quite amusing to see her perpetually having to retrieve things from the bags to use in her final days in England. On the other hand I am usually so disorganised that I leave things until the last possible moment. I didn't pack for my trips to Australia in 2009 and 2011 until the night before (and sometimes the day of!) my flights. Not this time. Last month I had one bag fully loaded 2 weeks before, and the other bag half loaded! I put my clothes in the night before my flight after they had been freshly washed. I have even been going into work early, loading the van early, getting away early and consequently, getting home early.
This still doesn't answer why I am packing up my things already. To be honest, so far I've only packed 2 boxes of DVD's and half a box of books but already my bookcase looks considerably emptier. Perhaps it's to make this place seem less like home, and in turn that'll make it easier to leave? Perhaps it's because subconciously I just don't want to be here? I don't think so. The fact is that in an ideal world, Jess and I could spend every year in both countries... September to April in Australia, April to September in England. Continuous summer! Money of course prevents that, and practically it just couldn't work. I do want to be in England, but I want to be with Jess more and therefore I want to be in Australia. So to keep myself busy in the lead-up to leaving I am preparing to move as if it were a few weeks away, rather than a few months. Making the time go faster is something we all wish we could do from time to time, but in reality I should just slow down and enjoy these last few months in my homeland. I am English, I'll always be English, I'll always be proud to be English. I'd happily have the 3 lions tattoo'd on my arm if I saw fit to. But my future is Australian.
My sister and I with Dad
A terrible dream I had earlier this week made me realise just how much I need to make the most of being here. Bad dreams, nightmares, whatever you want to call them... This one was awful. The scenario was that my sister was on her way to see Jess and I (England or Australia I'm not sure, my dreams are fairly vague), my parents were there, Jess's parents were there, Martin was there, Evie was there. The phone rang, it was Emily. She said she'd just been hit by a car and she didn't think she would make it. The phone rang again. The hospital confirmed she'd gone, no longer with us. My sister had gone. I cannot describe the gutting feeling I had, even just in a dream! I woke up in floods of tears because I thought it was real! I thought about how Evie wouldn't have a mother, I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to my sister. It took a good five minutes to realise it wasn't real and my God, the relief was incredible. I text my sister soon afterwards to tell her that I love her and I need to spend more time with them before I leave. Amazingly though, I didn't have the shiver. It wasn't real, but it made me think.
Unfortunately out of focus, my sister and I at Mum and Dad's 25th Wedding Anniversary
My sister and I have always got on well, but like most siblings we have also had a fair few arguments along the way! We're both stubborn, we both have to get the last word in, but we also stand up for each other if the situation requires it and she has given me a lot of support. The fact that she gets on so well with Jess is brilliant for me too, and I know how much Emily will love Australia when she finally makes it out there for our wedding. My grandmother went out to Australia in 1998 to visit her siblings that left when they were kids, and she saw her brothers for the first time in 40 years during that trip. I hope I can see my sister and niece at least every 2 years. Of course, I will want to see my parents just as often. I see them daily at the moment and I take that for granted, but I know I will miss them as much as I will enjoy the freedom of being away.
The problem is still that although I know the date a decision for my visa can be made, I don't know when it will be made and so that makes planning a touch difficult. When it comes, I would imagine that it would take a couple of weeks to sell off the final few posessions and book the flights, but in the meantime there is plenty to look forward to. Tonight is my last ever Bovey Tracey Cricket Club Dinner & Dance, there's my Dad's birthday, my last English (and therefore last cold) Christmas for a while, New Year's Eve (Could it be London again?), and in March I am going to see The Darkness again, this time in Hammersmith with Matt, my Brother-From-Another-Mother. Who knows? He may even join me out in Australia shortly after that? In the meantime I have about 22 weeks left in Devon. Time for a few pints, some goodbyes, and some Rock-based music of exceptional quality. Perhaps even a little pilgrimage to my birthplace? Seems fitting when not long ago I showed Jess where I grew up. There is so much to do that I'm left with a massive paradox; I need the time to fly, but 153 days isn't enough to fit it all in! Or is it...?
My last blog entry a few weeks ago was less than inspiring, but this time I am coming off the back of two brilliant weeks in Australia. That in itself was an uplifting experience, but even as I sit here looking at the rain falling in Bovey Tracey and struggling to keep warm enough I still have a stupid inane grin on my face thinking about all the things that happened in those two weeks.
Before I left I met with a few school friends for a drink up in the Cromwell Arms in Bovey; Garry Styles, Chris Towell, Liam Berry and Fiona Squire. It was good to catch up and at one point Garry told me I could use his video camera and make a video diary, the only requirement being that I left some adult material on there for him when I gave it back... I'm afraid I've let him down on that score. But I do still have the Wagon Wheel that he gave me! And I decided that a video diary might be quite fun too.
Me with Concorde G-BBDG again!
The journey to Heathrow with Chris and his girlfriend Krysy was filled with talking rubbish (as we usually do) and Burger King. Krysy wanted to see big planes, which was the reason they were taking me in the first place. So we briefly dropped around to Brooklands so I could show them Concorde G-BBDG, which I had helped volunteer on a few times in 2006. Given it was so close to closing time, they allowed us in for half-price and I asked if a few of the Brooklands crew were around and we were told to go to Concorde and see if they were on or around her. We saw some people scaling the steps at the rear and decided to follow, only to be stopped at the top of the steps and told there was a tour taking place. After apologising and asking if the same crew members were around, I was asked how I knew them and explained my brief volunteering role, and all 3 of us were beckoned on board to join the tour! We weren't trying to blag anything, but somehow we had done just that in the space of ten minutes! A massive thank you to all of the Brooklands crew that over the years I have met, and that have allowed me access to Concorde.
Concorde G-BBDG with an A380 flying out from LHR overhead
On to Heathrow and of course our progress was hampered by the M25, but we got there eventually! Bags checked-in, no problems there. Up to the bar, no problems there! Then Chris and Krysy left and I went through security and took my flight. Not that a 23 hour journey can ever go quickly, but this one seemed to and before I knew it I could see Jess and that moment of sheer joy washed away all the troubles that had come a few weeks before. No anxiety, no stress, just a warm Australian welcome. By Aussie standards it wasn't that warm, but 18C upon arrival? Already better than the English summer! We got to Jess's house and her parents were running down the steps before I'd even got out of the car! With a welcome like that, you have to love Australia. It's a magical place to me.
Obviously, the first thing that happened was the barbeque was fired up. I'm pretty sure the first beer wasn't long after that either! Then the phone starts ringing and it's members of Jess's family calling to welcome me back to Australia. Fantastic... it really doesn't get better! The jet-lag was almost non-existant, I managed to time my sleeps on the plane fairly well and so that first day was a belter. When the sun came out on day 2 and it was 30 degrees, with Jess and Janice at work, Craig and I worked on things around the house. First things first, I cleaned the pool. Rule number 1 of the house: If you clean the pool, you must then swim in it. I wasn't informed of Rule number 3, which was You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. The pool isn't heated, and so it's quite refreshing on a hot day, but even in 30C heat, the swim didn't last long at all and I got out into the heat quickly! I did have a second dip later after bowing to peer pressure from Craig, but it wasn't until later on that I realised that I still don't know what Rule number 2 is.
Sat on Pole Position at Mount Panorama, Bathurst
Dinners with friends and family, meeting with the MUCC cricket guys, beers and sunshine... the first week was going quickly. Then on the Thursday, a trip up into the Mountains and an activity that made a LOT of my motorsport loving friends jealous! We went to the Mount Panorama circuit at Bathurst, where the weekend before the Australian V8's had competed in the Bathurst 1000! Before we went, I had very little knowledge of the sport, the circuit and had no idea of the layout. After being a passenger for a few laps, I got to take the wheel and my hunger was fuelled! It's very tempting to break the 60kmh speed limit but the Aussie's are very hot on speeding, so we had to make do. Craig and I have done the F1 at Albert Park in Melbourne before, next on the list is the Bathurst 1000. Simply amazing. Here's my video of the experience.
Whole Group at the Wedding
The real reason behind the visit was of course, Sarah and Garth's wedding. The whole experience was fantastic for me so I can't begin to think what it was like for them. I was nervous about meeting other members of Jess's family that I hadn't yet met, but they were all fantastic and every single person made me feel welcome, as well as the customary Pommy-bashing! As always with Australians, I gave as good as I got and so I think there was a mutual respect there, and there is a case of beer already riding on the outcome of next year's Ashes series with one of Jess's cousins! Of course, this means I'll be a case up come September!
Family Picture
The night before the wedding I was invited out for some beers with Garth, his brother Jason and his best man John. John is hilarious, and your typical Australian fun-loving bloke. We went into Windsor for a steak and a few beers (Fat Yak is awful... but I drunk it) and we all put in some money to waste (sorry, to bet) on the horses, dogs and anything else that was on the TV's in the betting section. Pretty much every pub over there has them, and as someone who very rarely makes a bet, I have to admit it was quite fun. I picked the only winner, John won a bet for coming second, but apart from that we didn't win a thing! Betting is nearly always a waste of money, but it was a great night, hilarious, we all had fun, great guys and you can't really put a price on that.
With the Happy Couple
The wedding itself was beautiful. Sarah looked beautiful in her dress, Jess looked stunning in her bridesmaid's dress and the love between Sarah and Garth was clear. And once again, the sun was out and the sky was cloudless, surely symbolic of how bright the future is for them. The 30 degree heat was affecting a few out there, and I'm not going to lie I was quite hot wearing that suit but it was definitely bearable. The biggest difficulty I had was not over-exposing the photographs I was taking, it was just that bright! Obviously the day was about Sarah and Garth but I couldn't help thinking that one day that would be Jess and I, with a lot of the same people in attendance.
With my beautiful bride-to-be
The reception was brilliant, the speeches from the fathers and the Groom were emotional, the Best Man's speech was hilarious and the stories about Garth's early adult life and how he met Sarah were just as funny. Even funnier were the pauses that John put in his speech as he leant back and giggled to himself, already aware of the next line! Everybody had fun at the reception, the music was great and there was even a little Michael Jackson medley put in on my behalf by Sarah! Thank you! I told Jess's cousin Nick that I didn't dance much but I couldn't help but moonwalk across the floor when MJ was on! Nick told me that it was Bad. No pun intended.
Before we knew it, the weekend was over. Janice's friends, Donna and Al, stayed with us for a night at Jess's house. Al is originally from New Zealand and has a very quick wit, he is brilliant. He gives people nicknames that seemingly make no sense until you dig a bit deeper. He calls Craig "Wilbur" after Wilbur Wilde, the saxophonist (Craig used to play the sax). He calls Jess and Sarah "Little Wilburs". The first time he met me in 2011, he said the first English person that came to mind when Jess said she was with a "Pommy" was Margaret Thatcher. Therefore, I am now forever known to him as Margaret. I was told it was a one-way street, and that he doesn't accept nicknames, but with his big handle-bar moustache, I couldn't help but call him Merv, and he accepts that! Donna and Al are a massive part of Janice and Craig's life, and they are effectively family. They accepted me too, and have always made me feel welcome, I can't wait to visit them in Queensland and hopefully will see the snakes that Merv has told me so much about.
VH-OJJ arriving in Sydney
with the rainbow backdrop
So one week was done, just one to go. I still found time to have a morning to take photographs at Sydney Airport with a good friend, Lee Gatland. I had previously met Lee at SYD and we got on well then, this time we got on even better and Lee even let me use his lens on my camera, and the results were spectacular. The rainbow that came out to greet us made it even more special. I have literally hundreds of photo's to edit and put up at some point. I will definitely be meeting up with Lee for more photography in future, and I owe him more than a few beers so I'm sure the cameras will get put down at some point too.
Jess holding a
Woma Python
Garth and Sarah went away on honeymoon to Noosa, Jess and I went to the cinema to see Taken 2 in Gold Class. Very posh. Then we caught the Rivercat and went to stay in Darling Harbour for a couple of nights. The Four Points Hotel is beautiful, our view over Darling Harbour and Cockle Bay was gorgeous and we got a great view of the sunset. For the next two days we did another go on the Jet-boat, this time wearing waterproofing, went to a few bars, walked around the Harbour, had more than a few drinks and just enjoyed being in each other's company. We also went into Wildlife Sydney and I told Jess that I would pay for her to hold a snake! She had said before that she would hold my cousin's pet Brazilian Rainbow Boa while she was in England, but it never happened. This time there was no way out, and to her absolute credit she did it! She held a Woma Python and I'm very proud of her.
With Jess in Darling Harbour
Incredibly my time in Australia was over again! My bags coming back were so light, the baggage handlers must have loved me! I hate saying goodbye to people that mean a lot to me, and I managed to fight off the tears as I said goodbye to Jess's parents but when it came to saying goodbye to Jess at the airport... Nothing could stop it, as hard as I tried. It was gut-wrenching to think I wouldn't see her again for 6 months and as a consequence the flight home was a very very long affair. The one bright spot of the journey came in Singapore. At the gate, with all passengers still on board the PA system announced:
"Would passenger by the name of Charles Carter please make himself known to the ground staff when disembarking the plane. Charles Carter. Thank you."
A mild panic set in... What was that about? Being one of the first off I went straight to the ground staff who then smiled politely and said:
"Mr Carter, you have been invited to the Qantas First Class Lounge.
Please make your way up there and have a good day!"
WOW!! Thank you very much. And I knew immediately that Lee had something to do with it, so again massive thank you to Lee! This is why I owe him more than a few beers!
I got to the Lounge and my word, it looked amazing. I sat down at the complimentary Apple Mac computers and immediately logged onto Facebook, as you do. After a quick status update and making sure I logged out, I was just making my way to a seat for a drink when the tannoy gladly announced:
"Would all remaining passengers for Qantas flight 1 to London please make your way to the gate where your flight is now ready for boarding and an immediate departure."
D'oh! So I make way for gate C23, get through security again and sit by the gantry waiting to board. And I sat there for at least an hour. D'OH! Could have stayed in the beautiful Qantas lounge! When we finally got on the plane, I sat in my seat and thought about how long this flight to London would be. Big mistake! While sat at the gate the Captain announced that we had missed our slot time for flight over Afghanistan and we'd have to wait almost an hour before leaving. Lightning DOES strike twice... this exact same reason saw my flight delayed leaving Singapore back in April 2010! In the end, no dramas, just a late departure and a loooooong flight to London.
Unusually for me, I didn't stick around to get some photographs of the aircraft's flight deck and being sat at the front of Economy, I was one of the first ones off the plane because I knew if I wasn't I'd have to queue at Customs, and the plan worked... Straight through. Then it was just a case of waiting for the bags... 30 mins. Might as well have queued! It was a struggle to get the bags down to the trains but I did it! And got the Heathrow Express into Paddington. Looking at the clock, it was 7am! We had only landed at 6am so I hadn't done badly at all, but now it was a waiting game. My train wasn't until 10:55am! I hung around for breakfast and then convinced the train manager of the first available train to let me on. The train journey was slow... the train was late out of the depot. How can the FIRST train of the day be late?! Then we got stuck behind a stopping service on the same line, so averaged 30mph to Reading. Finally we got some speed up, then had to slow down for other trains. Then we had to slow for leaves on the line. It's not a great advert for First Great Western but they have no affiliation with Beardy Branson so I'm quite content with them.
I arrived at Newton Abbot station about an hour late but still way before my scheduled train would have arrived, and after a 20 minute power nap in the late afternoon I went to the pub for a couple of pints with my mate Garry (Not Styles!). Now it's Tuesday morning and I'm back to work. It's still dark but it is cloudless here at least for now. That of course means it will be cold, and a stark contrast to the land Down Under right now but it's a brief glimpse of brightness when the days now cease at around 4:30pm. But really, what a difference the sun makes.
I'm going to apologise in advance because this is a long post...
I've never previously subscribed to the theory that things you experience as a child have a bearing on things you do as an adult. My mind could never see a link between being smacked as a child and growing up to be a violent criminal. If you broke the law or did something bad it was because you made the bad choice to do so, not because your parents struck you for taking extra chocolate from the cupboard. Recently though I have begun to understand that it's not the big behavioural traits that people refer to, but the subtleties of adult life. I have a tendency to look backwards to my past rather than ahead to my future and that has proven to not be a good thing for me.
About a week ago I had an awful day. I went to bed the night before fairly early and was more than ready to sleep. After sending the usual Goodnight / Good Morning text to Jess in Australia I began drifting off. I hadn't quite drifted when the phone went again, Jess's reply brought a smile to my face... All was well in the world. Then out of nowhere... BOOM. Shiver.
Nothing happened to set it off, I just became a paranoid mess and gradually got worse, all sorts of horrible thoughts ran through my head.
"Oh, God... Why have people always told lies about me? Why do I get spoken to like this? Why do people do that to me? What if I can't do this or that? Why do people's opinions of me affect me so much? How am I going to be able to afford to live and pay for x, y, z?"
All of these things have at some time been part of the thought process but never before have I experienced it in such an intense way. I managed to get some sleep, but very little. The next morning I woke up and the thoughts were there, getting more and more intense. The questions, the lack of an answer to them, unintentional rhetoric. And that led to another question... Why now?! Why a random Tuesday morning in October?! To this day I still don't have a clue what brought it on and on the verge of tears I almost stuffed the van into a hedge... That snapped me out of it. I don't want to lose my life, especially with a stupid loss of concentration.
Slowly but surely I began to recover... began to cheer up and perhaps being forced to deal with customers without showing them any of the pain I was in was the biggest help. Obviously at the moment with Jess the other side of the world, I am alone with my thoughts with no ability to be distracted from them. Customers forced my hand, they don't know me, don't want to know about it and don't care about anything other than how much money they have to give me or what idiot ordered all of that from me! As the day wore on my mood grew better and better and when I got back from work I had a shower, sat down on the couch and asked another question... what the hell was THAT?! With a doctor's appointment already in place for that week I was convinced by Jess to say something to him about it. I agreed... reluctantly.
Later in secondary school onto our late teens/early twenties, I was always the one people came to with their problems and I didn't mind that one bit. It meant I had friends. At primary school I was singled out and took a lot of abuse from the other kids, physical and vocal. To start with the same was true at secondary school. But approaching adulthood I had friends, real mates, and for once I had something to offer them; an ear. I was the one to help when someone found out their boyfriend was cheating on them, or if their girlfriend split with them, I was the one to help out when they felt they needed to leave home, I was the one who would drive across South Devon just to see them for a few minutes to make them feel better. I had even been known to drive up to Bristol just to see a friend for a few hours because she felt alone. I was there doing my best and trying to be strong for them, to show solidarity for them. But if I had a problem? Keep it to yourself, Charlie, people already think you're weak so don't prove them right.
The fact is that some of my friends were there for me just as much as I was there for them but I didn't utilise that when I needed to, or even realise that was the case. I thought that by smashing the hell out of a cricket ball or running in and bowling as fast as I could that I was releasing any stresses I may have had. After several years of this practice the biggest problem I ever faced got worse when the ability to go and release that stress was taken away from me and I wasn't allowed to go and smash a cricket ball or bowl as fast as I could. As a child all sorts of lies were told about me at school that if I heard now I'd just laugh off, but I took it personally. At secondary school, lies were told about me that were stupid teenage lies that again I'd laugh off if I heard again now. But as an adult, the worst lie possible was impossible not to take personally, and was far more serious. Aimed for maximum damage, taking my cricket away from me denied me my stress relief and that is where this has all really started.
No cricket meant being forced to sit at home, alone with my thoughts. Nothing to distract me. To say I was dealing with it on my own wouldn't be accurate, the amount of messages of support I had during this time was fantastic but of the friends that gave the support only one or two made the effort to actually come to see me. If I wanted support, it seemed like I had to go and get it from them. Some had their own things to deal with, that's fine. But suddenly everything seemed like a conspiracy... suddenly my mind was telling me that I was only good for people when they needed support, but if I wanted any I had to give it to myself. Normally this may have been true but having lost my main method of stress relief I felt I had nowhere to go.
Strangely though these feelings of people conspiring against me weren't alien. At secondary school I always had the feeling that people were plotting against me and waiting to hurt me or do something bad to me. Sometimes that was unfounded, sometimes I was completely right but still caught out. Being ambushed and egged in the local park by ALL of the 6 in our group of mates I hung around with did nothing to ease my feeling that people were out to get me. Going further back to primary school, being Eric Cantona Kung-Fu kicked from 4 different directions simultaneously while the Head Teacher (Shirley Armitage) looked on and ignored it probably started my paranoia of injustice. Someone I thought was supposed to be in authority saw it happen and did nothing. People dismissed it as me being a rude child when I was happy she said she was retiring. I actually cheered and (up until my mid-20's) I did not care less how her retirement had gone, to me that was unforgivable. These days I'm a little more forgiving and would probably find some closure in her seeing the success I've become despite all that went before. I wish her no ill.
Aged 7 I was already a little paranoid about kids bullying me. Aged 14 I was taken by surprise despite being paranoid something might happen. Aged 23 I was completely paranoid because the lie being told about me may be believed and I couldn't walk anywhere without constantly looking over my shoulder, my paranoia had me genuinely fearing for my safety and my life. I know that sounds over the top, but at the time it seemed very real. To this day, I try to know who and what is around me wherever I go.
So when mentioning all of this hesitantly to the Doctor I wasn't surprised to hear what he said even if I didn't want to hear it. Producing a leaflet he encouraged me to contact the Depression and Anxiety Service for South and West Devon, every fibre of my being is against me using it. I know I'm not a selfish person, the friends I've been there for know that too. But I know that my main reason for not calling the number on the leaflet is completely selfish; I don't want to hear stranger's problems. If I call them, I want them to help ME. I don't feel able to help anyone to the same degree I used to, certainly not the quantity of friends I used to help at the same time, I just don't have the strength. Previously I had thought depression was a weakness, just people being wet farts. Now I know differently but the shame of being the one who is "weak" and "needing help" was very much there.
Some friends I can't even bring myself to message or to attempt a friendship with anymore because the reminder of how things were at certain times is too overwhelming. That sounds awful, and again selfish... my health has taken a massive hit since those times and I cannot bear to help some of them anymore, especially as (again a selfish thought) the help I received from them was minimal. That's not to say the help wasn't appreciated, because it really was. I just felt it was disproportionate in the relationships which should be a two-way street without priority in either direction. Life rarely works out evenly though.
What frustrates me, and probably the people who still read my blog, is that time and time again I revert to the subject of what bad things have happened to me. Why can't I look forward and to all the great things my future holds? Perhaps it is because I genuinely cannot believe at times that this really is my life, these things have happened to me. When the chemical imbalance in my brain produces the good thoughts it brings me back to the much more philosophical view. The worst part of my life (2008-09) led me to take the decision to go back to Australia in 2009-10, the BEST time of my life. During the best time, the best thing ever happened to me. I met Jess. Late in 2010 things got better still with our engagement, 2011 better still when she came to live with me. 2012 has been just as great with her by my side. Now she's back in Australia and after the latest intense experience, the similarity from 3 years ago isn't lost on me. The most intense shiver episode I've ever had comes not long before I return to Australia, scene of happiness.
My 3 trips Down Under have been the best 15 months of my life, and as trip number 4 approaches this weekend the paranoia is being held off by the knowledge that good times will return very shortly. Friday night and a Qantas Airbus A380 mean that the NHS leaflet can remain in my drawer for the time being, or maybe the books could be good reading for the flight? Either way the feeling of no hope has been replaced by massive excitement because I haven't seen my fiancée in almost 6 weeks. A change of scenery often initiates a change of attitude, and as the cold darkness of winter approaches the UK it is nice to have some light and warmth available. Roll on Sunday in Sydney.
