Short Blog: Have I Turned A Corner?

I find myself asking if metaphorically and meteorologically I have dealt with the last of the icy coldness. You all know about my dislike of the cold weather but even I have to say that the snow in our part of the country has had a beauty to it and has made the scenery look stunning. Winter usually leaves our countryside looking so bleak and dull that when a short period of whiteness covers the landscape the only thing we can think of is how stunningly beautiful it looks. I'd be less than truthful if I said I would like to experience another English winter, because in all honesty I can't wait to be in a hot country. Metaphorically speaking, the coldness relates to certain individuals and my encounters with them in the last week have finally made me believe that I am getting over them and their lies, and the effect just seeing them had on me.

Usually when I see these people a surge of anger and hatred flows through my veins and my heart rate increases drastically. On Tuesday from a distance I passed one of them in the car, no increase in heart rate and I brushed it off with a simple single-worded insult under my breath. She didn't see me. Subconsciously I have always been on the lookout wherever I am just in case I run into these people because neither party is supposed to have or initiate contact. On more than a few occasions they have caused a scene when I've done as advised and walked away. Amazing what lengths people will go to try and get a rise out of others.

The following day at a Petrol Station as I was walking out after paying, there she was... In the middle of the shop, staring at me. After being categorically told not to talk to me or my family after the last altercation over a year before, she stood there in silence, didn't dare open her mouth. I didn't give her chance to. I didn't break stride, I had no increase in heart rate and my only outlet was to smile as I broke eye-contact and let out a small "heh" under my breath as I turned away and walked out of the door without looking back. Dismissive? I'd like to think so. I don't care how she saw it. The only possible negative is that despite always looking around and being aware of what is around me I was unaware of her presence until she was 2 yards away from me. The positive is that because it was a surprise it makes it even more satisfying that there was no increase in heart rate or even the flow of hatred. I feel progress was made.

As I get closer and closer to Australia I am feeling more and more positive. Perhaps the general improvement in weather and the days lengthening here in the UK will aid that positivity as we head towards Spring? Could the dismissive nature of the last week mean I am finally learning how to brush things off rather than let them get to me? I really hope so, and I hope that I can mentally programme myself to be better and do better things. Actually, I don't just hope, I believe I can and I believe I will. As a child you're always told to ignore the bullies, ignore the bad things and they will go away. It's not strictly true but the principle is correct. I can ignore the negative people and eventually the negativity goes away and is replaced by all the positive things. Shutting things out isn't always the best way to deal with things but there's always an exception to the rule and this may be it. Could this be the time when I have finally released my demons? That would be truly satisfying.

Snow, Ice, Sacrifice

So while Australia fights off the bushfires and the record high temperatures, England gets snow, ice and a public transport system that still can't deal with it despite having it for the last 3 winters in a row, and pretty much every year in history. People continue to be stupid when snow appears, people continue to try to drive where they shouldn't and they get stuck. Doing it once? Forgiveable. Doing it multiple times? You're an idiot. Learn from your mistakes.

I mentioned before that a way of helping time pass is to have things to look forward to, breaking the time down. This is a technique that Jess has taught me. I've added another event to that... I am going to see Tottenham Hotspur v Arsenal on 3rd March. It's the biggest game you could possibly go to as a Spurs fan and let's face it, I'm not going to get that chance again so I planned to go with a couple of mates. Unfortunately Spurs have a policy where for the first week members like me can only buy one ticket, then after that week you can buy guest tickets. By the time the opportunity came around to buy guest tickets, the stadium had already completely sold out. Looks like I'm going to a North London derby on my own. I'll have to have my wits about me.

Just 4 days later I'll be going to see The Darkness with my brother-from-a-different-mother (and father), Matt. I have asked a few other mates if they'd like to come too because in all likelihood that'll be the last thing I can do in the UK with a bunch of mates. Obviously The Darkness aren't everyone's cup of tea, but to be with my mates at a concert with my favourite band? Can't be many better ways to leave the country. But the real dilemma is what I can do to assist the countdown during February. January is almost out of the way, and next Saturday is Australia Day. Not widely celebrated in the UK, of course, but I think it's only appropriate that I wear something with an Australian theme! But February is empty. There's Valentine's Day, but how can I celebrate that when my Valentine isn't here? We'll have our own Valentine's when we see each other again.

The countdown continues with just 81 days until decision day. Since my last blog I have learnt that people who applied for the same visa AFTER me have been told to expect theirs BEFORE me. If this was a one off, I could understand it because maybe there were special circumstances. But what I have learnt is that MULTIPLE applicants that applied after me are getting theirs before, AND they are normal applicants like me that have no special circumstances to consider! The only difference is the case officers handling the cases. It seems mine is sticking to the 9 month line where others are fortunate enough to have theirs granted already in some cases, and as soon as next month in others. Of course I realise there isn't a whole lot I can do about that but I think that I might call in February to find out what I can. Perhaps that can be my February event to look forward to?

I think it's natural to have doubts about things in life. I think it's natural to worry. Perhaps that's because all I do is worry. I worry about finding work in Australia, I worry about Jess constantly for a number of different reasons, I worry about something bad happening in the UK when I'm out in Australia and how I would deal with that or if I'd be able to come back if I needed to. Right now I worry about something bad happening in Australia while I'm stuck here in the UK. But do I have doubts? Yes I do, though none at all about being with Jess. There is no doubt in my mind that I should be with her, she should be with me. My doubts are about things beyond my control and to let go of those doubts and fears is proving to be the ultimate sacrifice. To end this post on a positive note, I am not allowing those doubts to consume me in any way. They are still there but I won't allow them to take control. I won't allow anything to come between Jess and me, I won't allow anyone to come between Jess and me. 81 and counting.

New Year, Apologies, Progression and No More Stupidity!

Seeing out 2012 in a
fantastic location

Christmas is out of the way! New Year is done! And it has been busy enough although I found Christmas to be something of an anti-climax without Jess. It didn't feel special given that it was possibly the last one I'd spend in England. It all seemed to be out of the way very quickly and after it was over, on the spur of the moment I went to Cheshire to surprise my Grandparents. They were surprised, and they reacted well which made it worthwhile for me. I stayed with Dad's brother (who came down to Devon for Christmas with my Aunt) and he took me Clay-Pigeon shooting. The first time I'd ever picked up a gun, I hit 49 out of 100 so I'm happy with that and I did enjoy it. It took me a while to get used to firing the gun and because I wasn't holding it correctly to begin with I ended up with a huge bruise around my shoulder and forearm! I hope to get one more visit to Cheshire in before the visa is granted.

Daylight hits London for
the first time in 2013

Once I was home in Devon there was almost no chance to rest! Simon Fairlie arrived from Australia for a few days. Well, he'd actually arrived from New York where he'd spent Christmas with his brother but after the UK it was home to Australia for him. Myself, Matt and Simon all took the journey to London for New Year and stayed in a fantastic house belonging to a friend of Simon's, overlooking The Thames, Tower Bridge and the Shard. Unfortunately when midnight came around we could see almost nothing of the fireworks, but I started 2012 in London with my fiancée and finished 2012 in London with my 'brother' and a good mate. What more could I ask for?

Myself, Fez and Flash at
White Hart Lane

On New Year's Day I woke up just as the first rays of light of 2013 were glowing. The view was gorgeous and I had to take the camera and get some snaps. Later we went to Tottenham Hotspur and watched Spurs beat Reading 3-1 at White Hart Lane. Of course this was brilliant for me, not so much for a school friend of mine and Matt's. Our friend Sam was sat in the away section with the Reading fans as her 'awesome guitarist' friend supports Reading. We all met up for a quick drink before Matt and I headed home to Devon. Simon was off to Brighton the next day so got to stay an extra night in the beautiful house. Imagine having that view on a daily basis!

There are always clichés when January comes around, especially concerning New Years and New Starts. As much as I dislike these throwaway lines it has to be the case for me in 2013. My blog entries in 2012 all revolved around my past and things that haunted me and I'm not going to categorically say right now that this year will be completely different, but I am in a rare state of feeling content at the moment. I do cringe about a lot of the things I have said and done in the past and the effect it has had, even to the extent where I've offended people and rather than show humility I've been stubborn and stuck to my guns. Sticking with a principle is one thing but if you look back a few years down the line and think "I was wrong" or "I wish I'd done that differently" then perhaps being more balanced in your views and expressions in future is the lesson you can take from that.

Michael Jackson at the
02 Arena, London
5th March 2009

I've mentioned my horror year personally in 2008-09 several times. There are a few things I did during that period where I probably lost a lot of respect from people. I do wish I'd handled things differently that year but hindsight is always perfect. The mental state I was in that summer was worse than I can describe to you and I had one glimmer of light that I was looking forward to; Michael Jackson's This Is It concerts. I had tickets to go with my friends. 4 weeks before our concert he died and my reaction was so over the top I am embarrassed about it to this day and is one of the things I cringe about. Because of everything else that had been taken away from me that year, this was the final straw and I broke. Unfortunately for me I did it very publicly and I am hugely embarrassed by it. I wish I hadn't reacted the way I did, but I can't change that now. All I can do is explain that I wasn't myself and went WAY too far. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation.

During that time I said some stupid things, and in subsequent years I have said some stupid things too. As always happens when someone dies there are people out there very quick to make jokes about it, and because of the high regard I had for my favourite artist I was extremely outspoken about these jokes against him. 2 years later I turned into a complete hypocrite and spouted out a lot of disrespectful things about Amy Winehouse when she died. I couldn't believe people were comparing Michael Jackson with Amy Winehouse, there is simply no contest. Jackson wins every time. I jumped on the bandwagon of making jokes about her death. After damning those showing such disrespect to one artist, to then show the same disrespect to another in the same way was stupid of me to say the least. I was heavily criticised (with hindsight, rightly so) however it was the people criticising I took exception to, and I even fell out with a few friends and even my cousin(s) over it and they haven't been the same since. It is a shame because I used to get on with them extremely well and while I'm not solely responsible for the fallout, I am not afraid to admit what I did wrong. I do hope to see them and make amends before I leave for Australia but I have don't think that they have any desire to see me.

I've done stupid things elsewhere too. During my first trip to Australia in 2006, I was invited to a party hosted by a mate of Mark Fairlie (Simon's brother, now in NYC). It was literally only a couple of weeks into the trip, I'd only just met the cricket guys so should have been more aware of making impressions. It was in an apartment block several floors up and I had my bottle of beer. I can't remember how the conversation came around to it but I think I asked where the bin was. Clifty said "Dunno mate, there's a few bins down there" while pointing down to the ground on the street "but I don't thi... Oh, no..." At this moment for some unknown reason I decided that's where the bottle should go and nonchalantly threw it over the balcony to the bins in the garden/street below without thinking and wandered to the fridge for the next one.

With Clifty in 2010...
and special input from David Gracie

Within a minute Clifty had grabbed me, taken me to the balcony, pointed down and told me not only was the bottle made of glass, but there were 3 police officers at ground level who suddenly want to speak to the party hosts. Apparently they were there when the bottle hit the deck too. Unbelievable stupidity and irresponsible behaviour from this 20 year old, someone could have been seriously hurt or even killed. I knew that's the kind of thing I shouldn't do, but I did it. And I still don't know why! It goes without saying I won't ever do it again. No, the police didn't speak to me in case you wondered. Thankfully. Other stupid things are pretty "blonde moment" in status. Trying to dry my hands under a soap dispenser... Describing something as an "Upside-down 'W'..." (Why not just say an 'M'?!) or even smacking myself in the face with a bin lid. Don't ask... too funny.

Humility is a quality everyone should have and if I had to make that cliché they call a New Year's Resolution I would make mine to be more humble and understanding, and less stubborn. And less stupid. 2013 is going to be a complete upheaval in my life because in just 96 days my life will change completely. Of course I've been to Australia before but always in the knowledge I would be coming back to England. This time it's an "if" rather than a "when" and because of that there is a certain amount of trepidation. Perhaps this change of scenery will bring a change of attitude, a different outlook on life, a new beginning or another phrase used so often it's lost it's meaning. When that visa comes through I have no idea how I'll react. At least I'll have a positive life-changing moment to cherish and then work must begin on planning our wedding. Here's a phrase that won't lose it's meaning... Our wedding day will be the happiest day of our lives. I cannot wait.

96 days and counting!