A little over a week ago I was involved in a car accident and until tonight perhaps I had underestimated its effect. Last night and tonight I have been in one of the troughs associated with depression and anxiety, feeling lethargic and genuinely finding difficulty in actually moving or doing anything, lost in a circle of thoughts which I cannot shake off. I'm feeling pressure, and feeling wronged.
Last week I asked my colleague Dave to give me a lift to work, highly unusual as I drive everywhere. Save for a few little details, in NSW you must carry your driving licence with you when driving. My new licence hadn't arrived in the post so I didn't want to take the risk. On our drive to work, we were stopped in traffic a few cars back waiting for a turning vehicle, which in turn was waiting for pedestrians to cross, then without any warning we were hit with force from behind. I don't use the phrase "without warning" as a cliché, it is literal. There was no screeching of tyres, no heavy braking, no heavy revving. We were just sat there in conversation and then BANG! We estimate that he hit us travelling around 60-70kmh, we were pushed into the vehicle in front which was approximately 3 metres ahead of us. It was a substantial hit, the car is 99.9% certain to be written off. I was immediately sore and exited the vehicle clutching my left shoulder and my neck.
While Dave was swapping details with the other drivers and making sure they were ok, I sat down on a wall trying to process what had happened. I went for a slow walk to the car which hit us and looked inside; some loose telephone cables, but no sign of a phone holder. My suspicion is clear, however the driver explained to Dave that his sunglasses had fallen off his head and while scrambling to find them by the time he looked up he was into the back of us. He admitted full responsibility and wasn't an idiot about it so I said nothing and let Dave deal with that part.
Ever since the accident I have had a dull headache in the top of my head. I have seen my chiropractor twice and visited the Doctor too. Nothing has taken away the constant dull headache and I wonder if this is why I'm currently in a trough. I keep having to remind myself of the positives right now; I'm 1st Grade Captain of a cricket club I have loved since my first association with it in 2006. I am Vice President of the same club. I am Assistant Manager at one of Australia's leading cricket retailers, and I am around the game I love on a daily basis. I am lucky enough to be paid by the Australian Reptile Park, one of Australia's leading wildlife facilities, to take photographs and handle animals I adore such as snakes, alligators and more. But despite all of this I am currently wracked with self-doubt, consumed by a lack of confidence in myself and doubting my ability.
Cricket is a mentally taxing game, and last season I was the leading run scorer in 2nd Grade for the entire Sydney Shires competition, despite missing several games. But do I belong in 1st Grade? Do I deserve to be Captain? I believe the answer is yes, I've played several seasons in the Devon Premier League 1st XI alongside and against players of International standard, County standard, minor county standard, and competed. Vernon Philander, Farhaan Behardien, Faisal Iqbal, Hasantha Fernando, Mark Lathwell, Vusi Sibanda, Lewis Gregory, Craig & Jamie Overton, Aizaz Cheema to name a few. Not excelled, but competed. I've been a net bowler for the Australian and West Indies sides and dismissed Wavell Hinds, Kieron Pollard, Xavier Doherty and David Warner, and troubled Michael Clarke, Peter Nevill, Usman Khawaja, Aaron Finch and Jason Holder. I've Captained an Under 24's side to the club's only appearance in a Grand Final (to date), to its only victories in Finals Series games. I top scored in that Grand Final, despite us losing the game. I can't understand what I need to do to make me feel like I belong, its a serious weakness. I don't profess to be a great cricketer, or even a very good one, but I can hold my own, I'm not bad at it.
When I cross that line, I'm switched on. I have faced much better bowling (and quicker) in the UK, and prospered. I've got photos taken of me putting Jamie Overton over his head for 6, and facing up to Craig Overton who this week has been selected for the Ashes squad to tour Australia this winter. I've not risen to a level of being feared in any way. I have always been told I can do anything in cricket, it's just my mind that stops me. NO-ONE HAS EVER TOLD ME HOW TO GET MENTALLY RIGHT FOR IT, NO-ONE HAS SHOWN ME HOW! The truth is I don't know how to get mentally right for anything, not just limited to cricket. And this last few days I have really felt a struggle to even move.
I'll think about moving for about 20-30 minutes before actually doing it. Getting out of bed takes a long time, but not anywhere near as much time as actually falling asleep. Getting off the couch to go to bed seems to be a huge effort. When the spirits are up, it's no effort at all, you just get up and do it. Right now, the way I feel, I have taken to writing this crap to avoid going to bed and yet I am so tired. I'm procrastinating getting the sleep I so dearly need yet not going because I know as soon as my head hits that pillow this tiredness will have no effect and the desire to sleep will be met with blank thoughts and wide eyes. Tiny issues seem huge. Conflicts won't get resolved. I don't feel support which is most likely there. There's not even any point to this blog post, I'm just putting my current feelings down and hoping there is some sort of cohesion to my writing.
None of the current issues I am having are insurmountable, none are individually even significant. But together they are eating me up, and last night I had a mini breakdown. In August Jess and I went to the Gold Coast and it was a superb holiday, superb mental break. I feel like I need another week there! It's nearly time for Bathurst, so maybe that will help. I understand fully that feeling like this is part of a mental cycle, it's just one that I am struggling to deal with at this time. The constant dull headache is exacerbating things I am sure, it will get better without doubt. I just needed to vent, and this is my forum. The car crash is perhaps a fitting metaphor... Going along fine, but getting smashed unexpectedly. A headache that could be done without.
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